FACT: A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
OPINION: A lot of innovations have been made in airplanes since the Wright brother's first flight in order to prevent comedians' arms from being tired every time they fly.
FACT: The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
OPINION: The second president died from second hand smoke.
FACT: Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
OPINION: George W Bush's name spelled backwards is "hsub w egroeg". Kinda creepy, eh?
FACT: A sheep, a duck, and a rooster were the first passengers in a hot air balloon.
OPINION: Throw in a bartender, and you have the makings of a great joke.
FACT: During World War II, the very first bomb dropped on Berlin by the Allies killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
OPINION: Some people think the first casualty of war is the truth, but those people probably never saw an elephant explode.
FACT: General Lew Wallace's best seller Ben Hur was the first work of fiction to be blessed by a pope.
OPINION: I guess the pope never blessed the Bible.
FACT: Bill Bowerman, founder of the shoe company Nike, got his first shoe idea after staring at a waffle iron. This gave him the idea of using squared spikes to make the shoes lighter.
OPINION: And he used maple syrup to make the shoes taste better.
FACT: The word "nerd" was first coined by Dr. Suess in the book "If I Ran to the Zoo."
OPINION: I love the part in the book where the Tri Lambs get even with Booger and the Alpha Betas.
FACT: It takes a sperm one hour to swim seven inches.
OPINION: I’d hate to use the swimming pool after a sperm.
FACT: The initial spurt of ejaculate travels at 28 miles per hour. By way of comparison, the world record for the 100 yard dash is 27.1 miles per hour.
OPINION: I’m sure people would pay money to see a race between the world’s fastest man, and an initial spurt of ejaculation.
FACT: Honking of car horns for a couple that just got married is an old superstition to insure great sex.
OPINION: Next time someone cuts you off in traffic, don’t honk your horn at them. Just have sex with their wife.
FACT : The most successful X-rated movie of all time is 'Deep Throat'. It cost less than $25,000 to make it and has earned more than $600 million dollars.
OPINION: You can make a lot of money with X-rated movies. You just have to get over that fear of dogs.
FACT: Egyptians inserted stones into their vagina to prevent pregnancy. (It worked kind of like the modern IUD by preventing implantation).
OPINION: Well that explains why the Egyptians walked so funny.
FACT: In Medieval France unfaithful wives were made to chase a chicken through town while naked.
OPINION: Now a days the French deal with adultery in a court of law, where the unfaithful wife chases a chicken while naked.
FACT: Napoleon's penis was sold to an American Urologist for $40,000.
OPINION: They didn’t call him Bonaparte for nothing.
FACT: Seventy percent of women would rather have chocolate than sex. (Poll taken in a 1995 popular women’s magazine).
OPINION: If someone came up on the street and asked me if I’d prefer chocolate or sex, it would all depend on how much money I had.
FACT: The same chemical responsible for the ecstatic highs of love and sexual attraction, phenylethylamine, is also found in chocolate.
OPINION: Hence the tradition of giving a box of chocolates and a syringe of phenylethylamine to a loved one.
FACT: Oneirogmophobia is the fear of wet dreams.
OPINION: There’s nothing more embarrassing than waking up in a wet bed, except maybe waking up in an aquarium.
FACT: The male fetus is capable of attaining an erection during the last trimester.
OPINION: “Aw isn’t that cute? He’s kicking again...wait that’s not his foot..oh god.”
FACT: A survey conducted by Masters and Johnson in the early 1980s revealed that the third-most frequent fantasy amongst both homosexual men and women was a heterosexual encounter.
OPINION: My third most frequent fantasy is meeting Dolly Parton.
FACT: According to the Kinsey Institute, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.
OPINION: Does that include men raised at fish farms?
FACT: The word "sex" was coined in 1382.
OPINION: Before 1382, humans didn’t need physical contact. They’d spawn in pairs or in groups. Males and females released milt and eggs into the water at the same time. These were mixed together and the eggs were fertilized. The fertilized eggs floated away in the current or sunk to the bottom, where they lay with the substrate. There was no parental care given, so large amounts of eggs were produced.
FACT: 14% of males said that they did not enjoy sex the first time.
OPINION: I was pretty nervous my first time. And all those people watching me didn’t help either.
FACT: 60% of women say they did not enjoy sex their first time.
OPINION: It’s important to make sure the first time is special. Light candles, play romantic music, and wear a hockey helmet.
FACT: The Romans would crush a first time rapist’s gonads between two stones.
OPINION: I’d hate to see what would happen if he got caught a second time.
FACT: It’s illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.
OPINION: But it’s perfectly legal to cuddle one.
FACT: In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
OPINION: Now everyone knows why I’m not allowed in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
FACT: In Fairbanks, Alaska it’s illegal for moose to have sex on the city sidewalks.
OPINION: But it’s perfectly aright to have sex with a moose in the privacy of your own bedroom.
FACT: In Florida having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
OPINION: I’m sorry, but I just can’t say no to a porcupine.
FACT: Up until 1884, a Victorian-era woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.
OPINION: Nowadays, Victorian-era women are all dead. How do you like them apples?
FACT: The Serni of Brazil take a wife guilty of adultery, whip her and then expose the wounds to fire ants.
OPINION: I’m sure it would suck to find out your partner is cheating on you, but wouldn’t it better for everyone involved to seek advice from Dr Phil? No wait, I think I’d rather be tortured by fire ants.
FACT: During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you’d be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.
OPINION: Might as well kill two birds with one stone - punish a pervert and cook up some lambchops.
FACT: The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were cut in two.
OPINION: I love it when magicians cut female adulterers in two. But my favorite magic trick is the ol’ castrate the rapist routine. Penn and Teller rule.
FACT: Minks have intercourse that lasts an average of eight hours.
OPINION: That’s a long time, but I’m sure eight hours of sex is not worth getting bitten by a mink.
FACT: The chimpanzee holds the record for the quickest mammal sexual intercourse session at an average of three seconds.
OPINION: What chimps lack in sexual drive, they make up for in companionship.
FACT: Most turkeys and giraffes are bisexual.
OPINION: Roosters never experiment with bisexuality. They are too chicken.
FACT: An adult gorilla's penis is only two inches long.
OPINION: That explains why King Kong was so cranky.
FACT: Both humans and fish share a common sexual practice -- fellatio.
OPINION: They don’t call em blowfish for nothin.
FACT: The penis of a dragonfly is shaped like a shovel, and has the ability to scoop out a male rivals semen.
OPINION: Next time a fundamentalist Christian tries making the argument that homosexuality goes against nature, be sure to remind them how fucked up nature is by chasing them with a shovel while screaming that you want their semen.
FACT: The word pornography' comes from the Greek meaning the “writings of prostitutes”.
OPINION: Does that mean The Cadre is pornography?
FACT: In Ancient Greece, women would expose their vaginas to ward off storms at sea.
OPINION: If we want to avoid another Hurricane Juan, I suggest we get those vaginas out where we can see them.
FACT: In Ancient Greece and Rome, dildos were made out of animal horns, gold, silver, ivory and glass.
OPINION: Guys seeking loose women would look for them at the farms with all the horn-less animals.
FACT: While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection.
OPINION: An exposed erection is indecent, but if it’s only semi-erect and hanging out of a pair of unzipped pants, I just pretend not to notice...until someone points out that my zipper’s down.
FACT: Both humans and porpoises have one social sex practice in common - group sex.
OPINION: Try explaining that to the angry zookeeper.
FACT: The penguin only has one single orgasm in a year.
OPINION: Penguins don’t have much sex because they are saving themselves for that special someone.
FACT: The rhinoceros has a penis about two feet long.
OPINION: Wow, that’s almost as big as a midget.
FACT: The Black Widow spider eats her mate during or after sex.
OPINION: I eat bowls of cereal during or after sex.
FACT: A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation.
OPINION: Thus the term “bullseye” .
FACT: The sperm of a mouse is actually longer than the sperm of an elephant.
OPINION: I wish I was in the laboratory the day the scientists had the contest to see which animal has the biggest sperm.
FACT: Sex education was first introduced into English schools in 1889.
OPINION: And so was born a long tradition of gym teachers awkwardly explaining to children what a clitoris is.
FACT: Cleopatra invented her own diaphragm from camel's poop.
OPINION: It would be like anal sex, but unnecessarily so.
FACT: Eating the heart of a male Partridge was the cure for impotence in ancient Babylon.
OPINION: If that doesn’t help you get a great big erection, nothing will.
FACT: The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.
OPINION: You can tell if someone is ambidextrous because their testicles drag around on the floor.
FACT: Smoking women have more lovers than non-smoking women.
OPINION: Guys like to sleep with women who smoke because chicks with yellow teeth remind them of their grandmothers.
FACT: 80 percent of men report that they orgasm during their sex dreams.
OPINION: My sex dreams usually involve a farm, a dozen naughty little sheep, and a night spent in a jail cell. No wait, that wasn’t a dream. That was last summer in Souris.
FACT: 1 million condoms are sold daily in the US.
OPINION: You should practice safe sex in order to avoid STD’s. And having anal sex with junkies in an alley way doesn’t help either.
FACT: 9% of women regularly masturbate while their partner watches.
OPINION: You can learn about what turns your partner on by watching them masturbate. But watching complete strangers masturbate can get you arrested, if they catch you hiding in the closet.
FACT: According to Playboy, literature is the most common sexual aid.
OPINION: Of course Playboy would say literature is the most common sexual aid. That’s like Oprah’s magazine saying Oprah is person most guys fantasize about in bed.
FACT: Everyday, 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at any given moment.
OPINION: You’d think with all these people having sex all the time, people would be less uptight when I masturbate in movie theaters.
FACT: Women are most likely to want to have sex when they are ovulating.
OPINION: Forget spanish fly, and alcohol, if you want a woman to sleep with you give her some eggs.
FACT: It was during the Victorian era that the formerly nude Cupid was redesigned as wearing a skirt.
OPINION: The Victorians were so into cross-dressing that they once put Sant Clause in a wedding gown.
FACT: 30% of women over the age of 80 still have sexual intercourse either with their spouse or boyfriends.
OPINION: If you want to sleep with an 80 year old, you’re going to have to wait until either their spouse or boyfriend dies.
FACT: Fellatio ranks as the number one sexual act desired by heterosexual men.
OPINION: That’s why it should be a compliment when you call someone a cocksucker.
FACT: Mosquitoes, which mate in the air perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.
OPINION: The way I have sex is very similar to a mosquito. Except for the whole mating in the air thing.
FACT: Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a Bachelor's degree.
OPINION: When you spend as much money on your education as someone with a Ph. D. chances are you’re so used to getting fucked by high tuition, campus bookstores, and student unions that a one–night stand won’t make much of a difference.
FACT: Australian women have sex on the first date more than women the same age in the USA and Canada.
OPINION: God wanted Jesus to be an Australian, but he couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin...and the place smells like kangaroo shit.
FACT: Real Christmas trees are an all-American product, grown in all 50 states, including Alaska and Hawaii.
OPINION: Fake Christmas trees are made in sweatshops in Taiwan along with bootleg Backstreet Boys merchandise.
FACT: Real Christmas trees are a renewable, recyclable resource. Artificial trees contain non-biodegradable plastics and metals.
OPINION: I'd prefer plastics and metals in my Christmas tree than an angry woodpecker.
FACT: There are about 1 million acres in production for growing Christmas trees. Each acre provides the daily oxygen requirements of 18 people.
OPINION: Who cares about oxygen? I just want my damn presents.
FACT: The Christmas card was started in England in 1843.
OPINION: It had this dirty limerick written on it: There was a guy from the North Pole. He filled children's stockings with coal. The kids thought this was not right, so they stayed up Christmas night and tore this guy a new hole.
FACT: In Ireland it is believed the gates of Heaven open at midnight on Christmas Eve. Those who die then go straight to Heaven.
OPINION: If you die at 11:59, you're up Shit's Creek with a turd for a paddle.
FACT: Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas Carols in England between 1649 and 1660.
OPINION: He didn't like anything he couldn't breakdance to.
FACT: In 1643, the British Parliament officially abolished the celebration of Christmas.
OPINION: This was a result of the immigration of Who's from Who-ville. Every Christmas they would feast on Who-pudding and rare Who-roast beast; the British hated this.
FACT: The Puritans in America tried to make Thanksgiving Day the most important annual festival instead of Christmas.
OPINION: When Thanksgiving didn't catch on, the Puritans tried to implicate Santa Claus in a sex scandal with Monica Lewinski.
FACT: St Francis of Assisi introduced Christmas Carols to formal church services.
OPINION: Kiss my ass, Assisi!
FACT: Snow on Christmas means Easter will be green.
OPINION: I don't care what color Easter will be, I can't stand listening to Snow's hit song, Informer.
FACT: The first printed reference to Christmas trees appeared in Germany in 1531.
OPINION: It was used to describe a guy's naughty bits.
FACT: In 1836, Alabama was the first state in the USA to declare Christmas a legal holiday
OPINION: Alabama was also the first state to legalize marrying your sister, but that didn't catch on.
FACT: In 1907, Oklahoma became the last USA state to declare Christmas a legal holiday.
OPINION: They had a difficult time deciding which was more important: Christmas or St. Patrick's Day.
FACT: In 1937, the first postage stamp to commemorate Christmas was issued in Austria.
OPINION: Controversy erupted over whether the stamp should portray Jesus when he was young or older.
FACT: In 1834, Queen Victoria's husband, Prince Albert brought the first Christmas tree to Windsor Castle for the Royal family.
OPINION: The inbred, tea-drinkers used it as a home for their pet monkeys.
FACT: Some priests in Australia advise you to say "Happy Christmas", not "Merry Christmas", because Merry has connotations of getting drunk.
OPINION: Australians can find connotations of getting drunk in almost every word. If you told an Australian to go f#ck a kangaroo, he'd think you were offering him a beer.
FACT: In Scandinavia a variety of Christmas gnomes are the mythical gift givers, not Santa Claus.
OPINION: If I thought a bunch of gnomes had gifts for me, I'd think twice before driving over them with a lawnmower.
FACT: The first American Christmas carol was written in 1649 by a minister named John de Brebeur and is called "Jesus is Born".
OPINION: The second American Christmas carol was Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC.
FACT: Alice Cooper was born on December 25.
OPINION: People seem to forget that Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Alice Cooper.
FACT: The biggest selling Christmas single of all time is Bing Crosby's "White Christmas."
OPINION: "Genie in a Bottle" is the third biggest Christmas single.
FACT: In Greece, some people burn their old shoes during the Christmas season to prevent misfortunes in the coming year.
OPINION: I don't think burning your shoes will prevent misfortune unless you take them off your feet first.
FACT: In the Swedish countryside there is a superstition that trolls roam about from cock crow to daybreak on Christmas morning.
OPINION: A lot of innocent, ugly children are shot in Sweden every Christmas because they look like trolls.
FACT: "He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree."
OPINION: If I had Christmas in my heart, I'd ask my doctor how long I had to live. I once had Groundhog Day in my kidneys, but I'm better now.
FACT: St Nicholas was eventually named the patron saint of children, sailors, Russia and Greece.
OPINION: Sailors eventually changed their patron Saint to one of the guys from the Village People.
FACT: Santa Claus will not arrive this Christmas unless the children go to sleep early.
OPINION: He doesn't like the children to be awake while he reads their diaries.
FACT: Holly is the most popular Christmas plant. It was once believed that it was a protection against witches and the evil eye.
OPINION: Next time someone gives you the evil eye, throw a holly at him. Or better yet, kick them in the nuts.
FACT: Did you know that every acre of farmed Christmas trees supplies the daily oxygen needs of 18 people?
OPINION: Yeah, I already said that earlier.
FACT: An estimated 27 million household (in the U.S.) give Christmas presents to their dogs and 6 million give birthday present to their cats.
OPINION: Americans want to show their pets how much they appreciate having their legs humped.
FACT: The Three Wise Men brought three gifts to honor Christ: gold, frankincense (a resin burned in the worship of God) and myrrh (a plant oil used to bury the dead and a symbol of mortality).
OPINION: The Three Stooges brought their unique brand of humor. Jesus liked Moe better than myrrh.
FACT: In Devonshire, England, a girl raps at the henhouse door on Christmas Eve. If a rooster crows, she will marry within the year.
OPINION: My homeboys rap at all sorts of henhouses, chickens are down with our phat rhymes, yo. Merry Christmas, suckas. S Mack out like No Doubt.
FACT: Puritans kept their sons from masturbating by wrapping their penises in leather or covering them with plaster.
OPINION: Nothing prevents kinky behavior in children better then wrapping their junk in leather.
FACTS: Chinese men have smaller testicles than American men.
OPINION: The Americans may have larger balls, but the Chinese have chicken balls.
FACT: The average single man has ten sex partners before tying the knot.
OPINION: Now that’s a wedding I’d pay money to see.
FACT: 0.5 percent of men have penises that are 4 inches or smaller.
OPINION: If your penis is 4 inches or smaller, you’re only 0.5 percent of a man.
FACT: According to Penthouse Magazine, women complain more frequently than men about not enough sex.
OPINION: Women wouldn’t have to complain so much if they’d just dress more slutty.
FACT: A dendrophilac is turned on by trees.
OPINION: These people are prone to attacks by jealous woodpeckers.
FACT: There are 9 million pictures in the Playboy archive.
OPINION: I bet the mattress on top of that archive is fucking huge.
FACT: According to Playboy it takes a woman 11 minutes to orgasm after initial penetration, but it takes a man only 3 minutes.
OPINION: A guy needs to orgasm quickly because, unlike women, he has lots of important things to do besides sex.
FACT: 58% of women surveyed by Penthouse said they would have sex with a man for $1 million.
OPINION: If that’s what it takes for these women to have sex, no wonder they’re not getting any.
FACT: 4% of adult women have sex solely to keep their man’s interest.
OPINION: Have these women ever heard of puppetry?
FACT: Men fantasize about scantily clad women more than naked women.
OPINION: What does it mean when you fantasize about women draped in blobs of goo?
FACT: The average love making session lasts 15 minutes.
OPINION: If you hate the person you’re having sex with it may last even longer.
FACT: 73% of men are still potent at age 70.
OPINION: 70 year olds are really into adult diapers and fucking.
FACT: 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have another sex partner on the side.
OPINION: I’d rather be a sex partner than a boyfriend. That way you’re guaranteed sex. And being someone’s partner sounds way more professional than just being their friend.
FACT: 20% of heterosexual couples do not kiss every time they have sex.
OPINION: Most heterosexual couples prefer having sex in separate rooms. But, that’s just been my experience.
FACT: Agomatophiliacs are turned on by mannequins.
OPINION: Remember that movie where Andrew McCarthy plays Jonathan Switcher, an artist trapped inside the body of someone who is utterly inept at any job he tries, and after a few disastrous career attempts, he finds himself working at a mannequin factory where he builds a mannequin whose beauty at last makes him feel like a true artist, but his perfectionism and slow work means that he is once again looking for a new career which leads him to work at a big department store where, coincidentally, his mannequin has ended up, and the mannequin comes to life as Emmy, an ancient time-travelling Egyptian princess who has never before been satisfied with her life in other timezones, and only Jonathan can see her alive, and their relationship inevitably causes much suspicion and rumours among the department store, so conspiring store manager Mr Richards, played by McCarthy's long-time pal James Spader hilariously pursues the truth about the mannequin with quotable lines like: 'You people who work at night scare me', and the mannequin inspires Jonathan to create the most stunning store display windows in Philadelphia, and his profile as a designer rises in the process, but the store security guard Felix and his dog 'Rambo' are also working the case, and will stop at nothing to uncover the secret behind Switcher's mad artistic genius: 'Oooh Switcher..you are one sick puppy' (Felix to Jonathan on seeing him cavorting with the wooden Mannequin), and eventually, as the windows help the department store back into profit, even the rival stores get interested in the action and try to poach Jonathan's talents, namely 'Illustra' - the company of sleezy tycoon B.J Wert, and in a crazy bid for his services, they steal his mannequin and take her to the Industrial Mannequin Chopper in Illustra's storeroom? Neither do I.
FACT: NuBody Cleavage claims to be “The Worlds Leader in All Natural Breast Enhancement.”
OPINION: Is there some sort of election for this type of leadership, or do they just throw a pen at a phone book like when they pick the pope?
FACT: With this product, you can “tone, firm and increase the size of your breasts naturally. It’s the safe, all-natural alternative to implants.”
OPINION: Once you tone, firm and increase the size of your breasts, you’ll be able to gain the respect and admiration of your poker buddies, Dave.
FACT: Nubody Cleavage has proven to be safe and effective when used as directed. The cream is formulated with all natural, herbal active ingredients and is manufactured in an FDA approved laboratory. In addition, Nubody Cleavage's active herbal ingredients are recognized as 'safe' by the FDA.
OPINION: ‘Safe’ is in quotation marks because when Nubody is not used as directed, you could end up with a set of nipples on your forehead.
FACT: Both Nubody Cleavage cream and capsules were tested for over 2 years before being released to the general public.
OPINION: Studies on lab rats show that mice look funny with big breasts.
FACT: Most women begin to feel results within 4 weeks with a maximum affect in 6-8 weeks. However, it can take some women up to 90 days before maximum results are achieved.
OPINION: If I was a woman, I’d be choosy about who I let feel my results.
FACT: We do not make the claim that the results are permanent as we know of nothing that will produce 'permanent' results (including implants). No manufacturer guarantees permanent results.
OPINION: ...unless their product actually works. Which, in this case, it would be silly to guarantee anything other than greasy boobs and a craving for Lebanese food.
FACT: With Nubody Cleavage, once you've reached your maximum size, your newly developed tissue will gradually revert back to your original size if you do not continue generating new tissue (as with any similar product). However, you will only need to use Nubody Cleavage a couple of times per week to maintain and build the new tissue. One jar can last up to 4 months under the normal maintenance program.
OPINION: If you abuse your Nubody Cleavage you will end up with more tissue than Kleenex at a snot party.
FACT: Our success rate reaches approximately 85% of the women who use it as directed.
OPINION: The women who don’t use it as directed have difficulty understanding the instructions: “Rub this stuff on your tits.”
FACT: Nubody Contours does not contain artificial hormones like other breast enhancement products on the market. Nubody Contours is formulated with mother nature's own natural herbs and contains absolutely no artificial hormones.
OPINION: Unlike like the Colonel’s secret recipe.
FACT: Nubody Cleavage all-herbal ingredients have no weight gaining properties on other parts of the body.
OPINION: But they may cause blindness in one eye.
FACT: Nubody Cleavage works on all races. It was especially formulated to penetrate the typically thicker skin of Asian women.
OPINION: Thicker skin? What the hell are they talking about? Sumo wrestlers?
FACT: Our number one wish is that you are completely satisfied with our product and service, and we stand behind our guarantee. All we ask is that you please follow the simple return instructions that accompany your order, if you are not satisfied. If you have any questions, just email us.
OPINION: And please send us photos of your results for our website: www.tittycity.com
FACT: Nubody Cleavage Cream and Nubody Cleavage Capsules are both derived from the same formula. Since the capsule formula is taken internally, it does not contain certain ingredients which make up the consistency of the cream.
OPINION: But the capsule will leave your breath minty fresh, unlike the cream which tastes like Silly Putty.
FACT: Test results show Nubody Cleavage capsules are more potent than Nubody Cleavage cream. Faster, more dramatic results are usually achieved when both formulas are used simultaneously.
OPINION: By “more dramatic results”, they mean a bad case of the jitters combined with various bowel obstructions.
FACT: Nubody Cleavage is not recommended for women who may be pregnant or lactating.
OPINION: What about cattle?
FACT: Many facilities in communities around the country have received anthrax threat letters. Most were empty envelopes; some have contained powdery substances. The purpose of these guidelines is to recommend procedures for handling such incidents.
OPINION: For example, did you know that if you receive a letter in the mail, you should boil it in water before opening its contents?
FACT: DO NOT PANIC.
OPINION: How could I possibly panic after reading a reassuring statement written entirely in CAPS LOCK?
FACT: Anthrax organisms can cause infection in the skin, gastrointestinal system , or the lungs. To do so, the organism must be rubbed into abraded skin, swallowed, or inhaled as a fine, aerosolized mist.
OPINION: Avoid infection by NOT swallowing or rubbing suspicious looking letters and packages on your naked body as most people (like myself) tend to do whenever the mailman pays a visit.
FACT: Disease can be prevented after exposure to the anthra spores by early treatment with the appropriate antibiotics.
OPINION: It is recommended that you build up antibodies to diseases by listening to a lot of Anthrax. In particular, their collaboration with Public Enemy, “Bring Da Noize”.
FACT: Anthrax is not spread from one person to another person.
OPINION: So feel free to poke and prod any coworker infected by anthrax without any worry.
FACT: For anthrax to be effective as a covert agent, it must be aerosolized into very small particles. This is difficult to do, and requires a great deal of technical skill and special equipment.
OPINION: This is why midgets are believed to be at the heart of this latest scare. Only they have hands little enough to pull something like this off so well.
FACT: If these small particles are inhaled, life-threatening lung infection can occur, but prompt recognition and treatment are effective.
OPINION: Just because there is the threat of anthrax now, it does not mean that it is unsafe to inhale white powder delivered through the mail. How else are you supposed to tell if your latest supply of cocaine is any good?
FACT: Do not shake or empty the contents of any suspicious envelope or package.
OPINION: Suspicious envelopes tend to have stamps on them. If you receive an envelope or package with stamps on it, do not open it, and alert the authorities immediately.
FACT: Place the envelope or package in a plastic bag or some other type of container to prevent leakage of contents.
OPINION: Keep your co-workers at ease while doing this by joking about how everyone is always trying to kill you.
FACT: Then leave the room and close the door, or section off the area to prevent others from entering (i.e., keep others away).
OPINION: An effective way to keep people away is by saying Econoline Crush are in there.
FACT: List all people who were in the room or area when this suspicious letter or package was recognized. Give this list to both the local public health authorities and law enforcement officials for follow-up investigations and advice.
OPINION: Just don’t mention my name, or I’ll fucking kill you for real next time.
FACT: People infected with HIV cannot pass the virus to others through ordinary activities of young people in school.
OPINION: So don’t try using the old “I’ve got AIDS” excuse when handing your homework in late for class. Your professors have probably heard that one a million times.
FACT: You will not become infected with HIV just by attending school with someone who is infected or who has AIDS.
OPINION: There are better reasons for not attending school. School takes precious time away from my eating and sleeping.
FACT: There has never been a single case documented in which HIV was transmitted by kissing.
OPINION: What you call kissing, I call “inflating my blow up doll.”
FACT: Oral sex often involves semen, vaginal secretions, or blood——fluids that contain HIV.
OPINION: If people were smarter, their fluids would contain vitamins and not HIV.
FACT: The only sure way to avoid infection through sex is to abstain from sexual intercourse, or engage in sexual intercourse only with someone who is not infected.
OPINION: Like me (wink wink).
FACT: There is absolutely no risk of HIV infection from donating blood
OPINION: By donating blood, they mean going to an established organization like the Red Cross. They do not mean spraying your blood on diner guests.
FACT: Donors are asked if they have practiced behaviors that place them at increased risk for HIV. If they have, they are not allowed to donate blood.
OPINION: It is also frowned upon when blood donors have mullets. Doctors don’t want none of that “hockey blood.”
FACT: Today the American blood supply is extremely safe.
OPINION: If you’re heavily armed, you can damn well be sure your blood supply is safe. Unless of course, the US is invaded by vampires.
FACT: Birth control pills do not protect against HIV.
OPINION: But if you’re a guy, they can do wonders for your man tits.
FACT: If you are still concerned about the remote possibility of HIV infection from a transfusion, you should see your doctor or seek counseling about getting an HIV antibody test. Call the CDC National AIDS Hotline (1-800-342-AIDS) or your local health department to find out about counseling and testing facilities in your area.
OPINION: They should make ads for the AIDS hotline like those late night infomercials for 1-900 numbers with hot chicks in bathing suits getting all wet while moaning, “Pick up the phone.” Or it would be even better, if they got George Foreman and his AIDS Grill.
FACT: AIDS stands for Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome.
OPINION: I think AIDS gets more publicity than other sexually transmitted diseases because it has a cool name. You don’t see many celebrities wearing ribbons for crabs.
FACT: AIDS is the advanced stage of the disease caused by a virus called HIV.
OPINION: HIV leads to AIDS like Guns N Roses lead to Slash’s Snake Pit.
FACT: HIV stands for Human Immonodeficiency Virus.
OPINION: That’s a funny name for the largest record store in the world.
FACT: The virus attacks and damages the body’s immune and nervous systems.
OPINION: In theory, the immune system should probably be immune. But crazy things like that only exist in comic books and rap music.
FACT: Everyone can be affected by HIV/AIDS: Male, female, young, and old.
OPINION: By now it’s safe to say that AIDS is bigger than Hulk-a-mania.
FACT: There is no cure for the HIV infection yet.
OPINION: Some people say that laughter is the best medicine, but I bet those people never heard of crab shampoo.
FACT: Prevention is still our only defence.
OPINION: I don’t fully trust prevention. Try using prevention to defend yourself from hungry wolverines. Nunchakus are my best defence.
FACT: You can get infected by having unprotected vaginal and/or anal sex with someone already infected.
OPINION: Is unprotected sex like when you’re touching pissers in a car, but you’re not wearing a seatbelt? If that’s the case, then I’m safe.
FACT: You can get infected by sharing needles for injecting drugs like cocaine, heroin or steroids with someone already infected.
OPINION: I’ve never been one to share stuff anyway. As a child I’d never let anyone else play with my GI Joes, especially not the neighbourhood crack whore.
FACT: You can’t get infected by casual, everyday contact.
OPINION: But if you’re casual, everyday contact involves teasing grizzly bears, you may run into other problems.
FACT: You can’t get infected by shaking hands.
OPINION: Just make sure that you don’t accidentally shake something else.
FACT: You can’t get infected by hugging, kissing.
OPINION: So give me some sugar whenever you see me, toots.
FACT: You can’t get infected by using swimming pools, toilet seats.
OPINION: That’s good, because I like to go diving for toilet seats down at the old swimming hole.
FACT: Melissa Silverman, daughter of NBC television executive Fred Silverman, loved the Smurfs so much she inspired her father to create the Smurfs animated series which ran for almost a decade.
OPINION: I love fruit salad. Why doesn’t someone make an animated series out of that?
FACT: Smurf figurines stamped with a special "M" stick-figure on the bottom are produced by a company called "Schleich". Schleich stopped marking their figurines with the special "M" around 1972.
OPINION: "M" stands for "Motherfuck! These things scream when you burn the letter 'M' into their feet!"
FACT: The word "Smurf" is used extensively by the Smurfs, as a noun, verb, and everything in-between.
OPINION: Using the word "Smurf" in different contexts can lead to confusion. For example, saying "Smurf my ass" will either get you arrested, or a discount on a lawnchair at Zellers.
FACT: Smurf figurines debuted in 1965, although they were not available in North America until 1980.
OPINION: North American imigration policies prevented the arrival of millions of little blue people and Smurfs too. Stop racism.
FACT: Smurf figurines are made of PVC, stand 2" tall, and have eight fingers and eight toes.
OPINION: These figurines are obviously anatomically incorrect. Smurfs are three apples tall, not 2". And, unlike the figurines, they do have cocks.
FACT: There are six Easter Smurf figurines.
OPINION: My favorite is Jesus Smurf with his mushroom crucifix.
FACT: In Chinese, "Smurf" translates to "Lan Jing Ling".
OPINION: Try ordering that in a Chinese food restaurant. They taste squishy.
FACT: The Smurfs were created in in Brussels, Belgium by Pierrot Culliford (Peyo) in 1958.
OPINION: He was under the heavy influence of drugs and leprachaun magic.
FACT: The Smurfs debuted in newspaper comic entitled "Johan et Pirouit".
OPINION: "Johan et Pirouit" was the first comic to feature little blue creatures, and full frontal nudity.
FACT: Each Smurf Christmas tree ornament figurine comes with a fine gold cord.
OPINION: Strangle your little Christian Smurfs with this gold cord in order to sacrifice them to our Lord and Saviour, Gargamel.
FACT: There are now about 25,000,000 million people of Scottish lineage living abroad, compared with only 5,000,000 in Scotland itself.
OPINION: It doesn’t matter where they live, the Scottish sure can toss a mean caber.
FACT: The largest ship ever built in Scotland is the Q.E.2. John Brown Shipyard of Clydebank built it and was launched by Queen Elizabeth on September 20th, 1967.
OPINION: It was named after the hospital in Charlottetown.
FACT: Haggis is traditionally made from minced sheep's intestines, beef suet, oatmeal, onion, cayenne pepper and nutmeg, stuffed into a sheep's stomach and boiled for three hours. Fortunately, haggis can now be bought in the supermarket.
OPINION: What kind of sick deranged culture could eat nutmeg?
FACT: The common American usage of the word plaid to mean a tartan pattern seems to have developed from a misunderstanding - in Gaelic plaid simply means blanket.
OPINION: And bagpipe actually means bagged instrument with pipe things sticking out of it.
FACT: The oldest known recorded sighting of the Loch Ness Monster was made by the 7th century monk Adamnan in his biography of the Christian missionary St Columba. Adamnan wrote that Columba subdued the beast when it attacked his followers.
OPINION: How the fuck does a Christian missionary subdue the Loch Ness Monster? There’s no examples of Jesus taming any dinosaurs in the bible.
FACT: In 1941 an Italian newspaper reported that the wartime bombing of Scotland had succeeded in killing the Loch Ness Monster.
OPINION: The only way to get the public’s sympathy when a bunch of Scottish people are killed is to report on the condition of their imaginary monster.
FACT: The first King of a united Scotland is widely held to have been Kenneth MacAlpin, who united the Scots and Picts to become King of Scotland (as we know it) in 843 AD.
OPINION: MacAlpin was also the first king to unite a Scotsman with a sheep. It was a beautiful wedding ceremony.
FACT: Traditionally porridge is served in one bowl, with cold milk in another. Each spoonful of porridge is dipped into the milk before it is eaten - but on no account should any sugar be added.
OPINION: The Scots do NOT like any sort of flavour in their meals unless it comes from a disemboweled animal. Yum.
FACT: The buttons on the sleeves of traditional Highland dress have their origins in the British army - they were introduced to stop soldiers wiping their noses on their sleeves.OPINION: I wish Kleenex would come with buttons on the tissues so people would stop wiping their nose with it. That’s so disgusting.
FACT: It is considered lucky in Scotland if your first visitor on New Year's Day is a tall, dark man bearing a gift of shortbread, a black bun - or a lump of coal.
OPINION: If any short visitors arrive on your doorstep, shoot them immediately. They have evil, short powers.
FACT: According to recent surveys most British people consider the Scottish accent to be the most trustworthy, and Sean Connery's voice to be the most trustworthy of all.
OPINION: The least trustworthy voice is Billy Joel’s.
FACT: One of the more unusual theories on the origin of the term 'Scot' is that it is derived from the name of Scota, an Egyptian princess who brought the Stone of Destiny across to Scotland.
OPINION: If the Scots were named after an Egyptian princess it totally makes sense that they all wear dresses.
FACT: An alternative claim states that the word Scot originates from the Latin word for pirates.
OPINION: If the Scots were named after pirates, it totally makes sense that they wear eye patches, have pet parrots, and are cheap greedy little fucks.
FACT: Scotland has produced some remarkable inventors, including John Logie Baird, Alexander Graham Bell, James Watt and Charles Macintosh.
OPINION: Just wait, man. Some Scottish guy is totally going to invent a robot that can breakdance. It’ll happen.
FACT: Scotland also produced 'the world's worst poet' - William McGonagall (c.1830-1902). McGonagall's poems are now celebrated throughout the world for their poor rhyming schemes, weak metaphors and outright banality.
OPINION: He once wrote a poem comparing a girl’s hair to the colour of oatmeal.
FACT: Kidney disease can strike anyone at any age.
OPINION: Kidneys are known as the “terrorist” organs.
FACT: Each day, an average of 12 Canadians learn that their kidneys have failed.
OPINION: Or else they just receive an incomplete.
FACT: If kidney failure is not treated, people die within days or weeks.
OPINION: If your kidneys fail, chances are snipers may already have you as a target.
FACT: In 1999, there were 23,601 Canadians on renal replacement therapy and this number is expected to double over the next 10 years.
OPINION: Trend-spotters predict renal replacement therapy will soon be more popular than Harry Potter.
FACT: Half of all new patients in 1999 were over 65 years old.
OPINION: It’s hard to portray kidney disease as sexy when most of the people who have it look like sacks of flour.
FACT: The three leading causes of kidney failure in new patients are diabetes, renal vascular disease, and glomerulonephritis.
OPINION: Kidneys fail when they don’t study enough. Try reading a book to your kidney.
FACT: The number of new patients in 1999 reached an increase of 4.7% over 1998.
OPINION: Scientists have discovered a correlation between the increase in kidney disease with more and more people getting beaten in the kidney area.
FACT: Canada’s organ donation rates rank among the lowest in all developed countries.
OPINION: Why would someone give a perfectly good organ away when they could make a couple bucks off it?
FACT: The sale and purchase of organs for transplant is illegal in Canada.
OPINION: And I thought this was a free country! Next thing you know, the sale and purchase of teenage brides will be criminalized.
FACT: Of the 3,573 Canadians on the waiting list for a transplant, 2,808 were awaiting a kidney transplant.
OPINION: If I needed a transplant, I’d want John Candy’s kidney. Autographed.
FACT: In 1999, the Canadian furniture industry was comprised of 1,748 establishments that employed 86,052 and shipped goods of own manufacture valued at $9.7 billion.
OPINION: Their sole purpose was to rid Canada of its beaver and woodpecker populations through the manufacture of furniture.
FACT: While the number of establishments between 1990 and 1999 decreased by 32% from 2,571 to 1,748, total employment actually increased by 56.5% from 70,869 to 86,052.
OPINION: Arts Majors from across the country can look forward to good jobs thanks to the Canadian furniture industry.
FACT: Employment has now reached a point where the average establishment size in the industry has increased by nearly 69% in only 9 years. These larger firms are more productive and by exploiting economies of scale, are better able to compete in international markets.
OPINION: There is no stopping the Canadian furniture industry in its quest for world domination. They control our supply of tables and chairs. If it wasn’t for them we’d be eating off the floor like a bunch of Frenchmen.
FACT: The industry is heavily concentrated in central Canada with Ontario accounting for about 54% of industry shipments of goods of own manufacture, 36% of establishments and 48% of employment. Quebec accounts for about 26% of industry shipments of goods of own manufacture, 28% of employment and 37% of establishments.
OPINION: I hear they have fancy living rooms in central Canada. In Ontario, couches aren’t covered in plastic and cat piss like they are in the Prairies.
FACT: In 1999, industry shipments were $9.7 billion, of which 68.5% were exports. In the same year, the Canadian market for furniture was $6.5 billion of which 46.8% was supplied by the domestic industry and the balance by imports.
OPINION: The secret to the success of the Canadian furniture industry is that one out of every ten lazy boys has a live squirrel inside its cushioning.
FACT: Canadian production comprises 38% household furniture (including mattresses), 43% office and institutional furniture, 16% wood kitchen cabinets and counter tops, and 3% other manufactured products (blinds and shades).
OPINION: Back in the 1930's, 90% of the production of Canadian furniture was comprised in chairs for lion tamers.
FACT: The export orientation of Canadian furniture firms (exports as a percentage of shipments) increased from 32.1% in 1992 to 68.5% in 1999.
OPINION: The world loves Canadian furniture because it is less spicy than Mexican furniture.
FACT: Canada exported $7.6 billion worth of furniture in 2000 - growing at an average annual rate of more than 22% over the 1990's. The U.S. continues to represent Canada's single largest export market, accounting for about 97% in 2000.
OPINION: It was a Canadian who first introduced furniture to the United States. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about John Candy.
FACT: Canada is the 4th largest exporter of furniture in the world and the number one exporter of furniture to the United States.
OPINION: Maybe that’s why we beat them at hockey.
FACT: The trade balance in Furniture and Fixtures steadily improved, year after year, from a deficit of $133 million in 1991 to a surplus of $4.2 billion in 2000.
OPINION: The introduction of wheels on computer chairs saved the Canadian furniture industry. That and the branching out into organized crime.
FACT: Between 1992 and 2000, exports of Canadian furniture increased by 405%.
OPINION: Why is it that lumberjacks and carpenters are billionaires, while our cultural elite must dig in dumpsters to find their next meal?
FACT: In 1969, El Salvador and Honduras went to war against each other after a hotly contested soccer match between the two countries.
OPINION: Any sport where you can’t use your hands to touch the ball is bound to end with someone getting killed.
FACT: A man in Sweden in 1910 got an advance payment from a research institute for the right to use his body for medical research after he died. The next year, the institute sued him because he lost two teeth decreasing the value of his body.
OPINION: I recommend having your body appraised by a pimp every couple of years to make sure you know its street value in case you want to rent it out for “research.”
FACT: When Albert Einstein was a teenager he was rejected by a college because he “showed no promise.”
OPINION: Any idiot can get a Nobel Prize, but only the best and brightest are accepted by Compu-College.
FACT: In 1906, a noted astronomer announced the discovery of canals on Mars, but he was actually suffering from a rare eye disease in which the victim sees the veins of his own eyes.
OPINION: I once thought I saw canals on Mars too, but it turned out to be Ottawa.
FACT: When bicycling became a national obsession in the 1890's, hat makers pushed for a law requiring bicyclists to buy two new hats every year because of the lack of business from cyclists who stopped wearing hats.
OPINION: There’s not nearly enough arbitrary hat laws in our judicial system. I’d feel a lot safer/stylish in a society that forced me to buy a couple of caps.
FACT: When the waltz was first introduced as a dance style in the early 1800's in England, it was considered indecent and lewd because the dancers touched each other.
OPINION: The waltz is a slutty, slutty dance.
FACT: In 1900, a pair of shoes only cost $1.25, but the average wage was only 22 cents an hour.
OPINION: Air Jordans may cost a small fortune, but at least Nike is consistent in paying their workers the same wages as the1900's.
FACT: On the first air mail service flight in 1926, the pilot forgot to fill the tank.
OPINION: They probably should have taught mailmen how to fly before giving them airplanes.
FACT: When air mail service began between New York and Chicago, it cut delivery time in half, but 31 out of the original 40 pilots on this run died in crashes.
OPINION: Most mailmen fear being chased by dogs while on duty, but that’s nothing compared to being chased by a flock of birds thousands of miles above ground.
FACT: In a single day at the turn of the last century, the horses in New York City produced 60,000 gallons of urine and 2.5 million pounds of road apples.
OPINION: That’s not much waste when you consider the amount of road apples left by rickshaws in China.
FACT: One radio station banned an ad for toothpaste in the 1920's because the subject was thought to be too racy.
OPINION: Radio stations back then were really sensitive about offending audiences with racy commercials during broadcasts of “The Amos and Andy Show.”
FACT: In 1930, the first stewardesses were allowed to slap passengers if they got out of control.
OPINION: According to The Editor, stewardesses are still allowed to slap you if you call them waitresses.
FACT: After World War II, New York City held one of the largest ticker tape parades in history producing 5438 tons of discarded paper.
OPINION: It must have been reassuring to soldiers returning home to celebrate killing the Germans by wasting a shitload of paper.
FACT: Stress reportedly created by people dancing the Charleston caused the roof of a dance hall to collapse in Boston, killing 44 people.
OPINION: That would probably be a tragedy if it didn’t involve people that like swing dancing.
FACT: Chubby Checker’s dance craze, the Twist, was banned in the USSR because it represented “bourgeois decadence.”
OPINION: If Chubby Checker represents bourgeois decadence, then what does Regis Philbman represent?
FACT: Most consumers had no idea how to use frozen foods in the 1940's, so a Frostmobile was used to visit neighborhoods and demonstrate how to thaw and cook frozen food products.
OPINION: I wouldn’t mind driving a Frostmobile, if I did not have to deal with idiots who can’t thaw or cook frozen food.
FACT: In the first postwar housing development, Levittown, New York, homes sold for $6990 in 1947. The same houses now sell for more than $200000.
OPINION: I’d pay $200000 not to live in a housing development. They’re full of too many honkies with dogs.
FACT: The first half-hour situation comedy on television was “The Goldbergs,” which debuted in 1949. A year later, the first canned laughter was added to a sitcom, “The Hank McCune Show.”
OPINION: “The Hank McCune Show” was kind of like “Everybody Loves Raymond” with more racial slurs.
FACT: In 1968, the estate of a rich woman was left to her 150 dogs. After 5 years of legal battles waged by her family, 77 of the dogs died, leaving $9 million to be divided up among the remaining canines.
OPINION: Would millionaire dogs hire humans to be their butlers, or would they save money by hiring Chihuahuas?
FACT: Cats can live to be more than 25 years old, and neutered cats can live up to two years longer.
OPINION: The key to living a longer is to eat healthy, don’t smoke, and have your balls surgically removed.
FACT: Passenger pigeons were once so plentiful that flocks contained hundreds of millions, even billions of birds. The last passenger pigeon died in a zoo in 1914.
OPINION: Sometimes a species of bird must be sacrificed in order to feed families of machine gun toting southerners.
FACT: In the Middle Ages, bloodletting was widely used as a preventative for all diseases.
OPINION: Bleeding to death is a surefire method to avoid getting a disease.
FACT: The majority of industrialized countries do not impose tuition fees on higher education.
OPINION: I wouldn’t mind paying for higher education if I could at least get some Air Miles or Club Z points out of it.
FACT: In May 1976, Canada signed the United Nations’ International Covenant on Economic, Social and Culturals Rights. Part III of Article 13, Right to Education Section 2 (C) reads: “Higher Education shall be made equally accessible to all, on the basis of capacity, by every appropriate means, and in particular by the progressive introduction of free education.”
OPINION: But if the Canadian government actually followed any of the agreements it signed, it would actually have to do stuff. Wouldn’t you rather watch curling and drink beer, then actually do stuff? It’s the Canadian way.
FACT: In Newfoundland, no user fees were imposed on post-secondary education until the 1960's.
OPINION: Coincidently the first Newfie jokes appeared around the time they gave up free higher learning.
FACT: The first five Quebec community colleges of general and professional training (CéGEP) opened in 1967. As part of the major reforms to education in Quebec during the Quiet Revolution, CéGEPs were conceived as free, public institutions. CéGEPs continue to provide programs of study without tuition fees.
OPINION: French people must be crazy to have free programs of study! No wonder they eat rubbery cheese curd and fat-drenched gravy slopped on top of french fries.
FACT: As an incentive to joining, the Department of National Defence offers to pay the tuition fees of certain civilian candidates who enroll in the armed forces. DND also provides for the costs of higher education for selected ranking members of the armed forces.
OPINION: I’d be willing to get hazed for free education. A couple of shaved testicles would beat working at McDonalds anyday.
FACT: Currently, children of faculty and support staff at most post-secondary education institutions have a contractual right to free tuition.
OPINION: UPEI does not offer this right to family members of its faculty because the loss in revenue would take away from the money needed to invest in useless programs like Island Studies, Highland Bagpiping, and Business Administration.
FACT: Students in Canada are facing an average tuition fee increase of 7.1% over last year - despite the fact that fees were frozen in British Columbia, Newfoundland and Quebec.
OPINION: Canada fucking sucks. Our weather is too cold to piss in. Our national sport features neanderthals prancing about on skates. Only morons would invent something as stupid as the Avro Arrow. The entire world mocks us for producing Bryan Adams, Celine Dion, and Paul Schaffer. And our shitty tuition increases 7.1 motherfucking %! Screw this! I’m moving to Afghanistan.
FACT: Since 1990, average tuition fees for undergraduate arts have increased by 126%.
OPINION: I can’t think of anything funny to say about that fact. It’s way to disturbing to even understand.
FACT: In Alberta, tuition fees have nearly tripled.
OPINION: Alberta’s provincial government is threatened by an educated populace because they might be able realize how batshit crazy their leaders really are.
FACT: Studies show that tuition fees have the strongest and most negative impact on the accessibility of higher education: a 1995 study showed that a 16% increase in tuition fees would reduce enrollment by 14%.
OPINION: Thank God for call centers.
FACT: Governments themselves know that user fees on social programs restrict access. Fees have been imposed “to make people think twice” before using public services.
OPINION: After all, it’s not like the government is there to serve its citizens or anything. If they invested in education, they wouldn’t have enough money left over to build their golf courses.
FACT: During the first three years of the freeze on tuition fees in British Columbia, enrollment increased by 6.4% while in the rest of the country enrollment decreased by 2.7%. BC now ranks second in provincial participation rates.
OPINION: So let’s make that clear - A tuition freeze results in increased enrollment while higher tuition results in decreased enrollment. Too bad the people who decide to raise tuition have their heads stuck up their asses. Otherwise we might actually have more people getting educated.
FACT: Today the governments of five provinces - British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Quebec and Newfoundland - have taken or pledged to take bold action by freezing reducing tuition fees.
OPINION: Notice that five provinces are missing? I hope everyone reading this seriously considers leaving UPEI to attend school at one of the provinces listed above.
FACT: Kuru, a deadly disease you can only get by eating the brains of an infected person, was responsible for as many as half of all deaths in one region of New Guinea.
OPINION: That doesn’t make any sense. Wouldn’t the people get smarter after eating the infected brains and learn the important lesson to never eat an infected person’s brain?
FACT: In the average doctor’s waiting room, patients wait 21 minutes before seeing the doctor.
OPINION: A blind person waits even longer before seeing the doctor. *I can get away with that one because no blind person will be able to read it, you just have to promise not to read it to them.
FACT: An estimated 2 percent of all doctors have fake credentials.
OPINION: I should have known something was wrong when Dr Dre diagnosed me with menopause.
FACT: During a feeding frenzy, piranha can completely consume a 400 pound animal in a few minutes.
OPINION: So don’t let your piranha out of its cage, or it might eat your mother.
FACT: Some piranha are vegetarians.
OPINION: Vegetarians can think what they want, but eating fish should disqualify people from saying they’re vegetarians. It would be really fucking easy for a piranha to try and get away with that. Goddamn, inconsistent hippies.
FACT: There are as many chickens in the world as people.
OPINION: That’s a lot of cocks.
FACT: Some roaches are too large to fit through the opening of some roach traps.
OPINION: That’s a lot of cockroach.
FACT: Drinking 100 cups of coffee in 4 hours will kill the average adult.
OPINION: But it’s perfectly safe for small children.
FACT: A town in California spent thousands of dollars installing a new lighting system for its sidewalks that stopped working after dogs relieved themselves on the fixtures.
OPINION: Instead of installing annoying light switches in my house, I came up with a system where I get my dog to piss on the fixtures whenever I want the lights out.
FACT: A fisherman in Ohio was killed when a bluegill he caught flipped into his mouth and choked him to death.
OPINION: Now that’s poetic justice. I was disappointed by John Singleton’s film, Poetic Justice, because it didn’t have any bluegills choking fishermen. But Boys In The Hood was good because it had boys in the hood.
FACT: A female Blue Whale that was caught in the Southern Ocean weighed over 190 tons! She was over 90 feet long.
OPINION: The people who caught her had to release the blue whale because of the Southern Ocean’s “No fat chicks” policy.
FACT: The world's smallest insect is the fairy fly, only 0.2mm long.
OPINION: You hardly ever hear rappers say stuff like “ When bitchez front, I don’t lie/that I’m hung like a fairy fly.” But I bet Snoop Dogg is thinking about it all the time.
FACT: An ant can lift over 50 times its own weight; like you lifting a lorry!
OPINION: Wow that’s fucking incredible. I don’t even know who Lorry is, but she must be big.
FACT: Baby hedgehogs are called urchins.
OPINION: Somehow I doubt Sega Genesis would have caught on with games like “Sonic the Urchin.” But, then again, I was wrong about those inbred plumbers, “The Super Mario Bros.”
FACT: A group of rhinos is called a crash.
OPINION: Insurance companies often make the mistake of rejecting claims because they think rhinos are responsible when there is a crash, but 9 times out of 10 it’s a zebras fault.
FACT: Most babies have a better sense of smell than adults.
OPINION: However, adults who watch wrestling can smell what the Rock is cooking.
FACT: In 1988, a dentist in California killed 8 patients while they were in the dental chair.
OPINION: 8 more patients died in his waiting room.
FACT: The notion that humans only use 10 percent of their brains is wrong. It’s actually about 90 percent.
OPINION: People who go to Myron’s don’t have brains. They’re robots.
FACT: The faster you blink your eyes, the happier you are. The more pain you are feeling, the faster you blink.
OPINION: If you stick a pen in your eye, you’ll find the secret of true happiness.
FACT: The unstable ground upon which San Francisco is built is moving north at about 1.5 inches a year.
OPINION: Wow! In a couple years, the losers who shop at San Francisco will have to go to Winners for their Macarena Monkeys and fake penis water bottles.
FACT: Fingernails grow at a rate of 1.5 inches a year.
OPINION: I wish my fingers would grow at the same rate, so I wouldn’t have to cut my nails, or wear gloves.
FACT: Touching or kissing a toad will not give you warts, but may cause hallucinations.
OPINION: But, touching or kissing Prince will give you warts.
FACT: The largest bacterium known to science is visible to the naked eye.
OPINION: If your eye is wearing pants, you won’t be able to see it.
FACT: Antarctica is the only continent that has no snakes.
OPINION: I bet that attracts a lot of tourists to Antarctica’s campgrounds.
FACT: In 1922, an Iowa man began hiccuping every second and didn’t stop until he was 85 years old.
OPINION: He probably stopped after getting scared by something like a loud noise, or a bowel movement.
FACT: One species of antelope is purple.
OPINION: Tinky Winky is part antelope, part teletubby, and all cuddles.
FACT: Well it's always best to start at the beginning and Corey Feldman beginning came on July 16, 1971 in Reseda, California.
OPINION: In Corey Feldman’s case, it’s best to start at the beginning, and finish at some crack house with Corey Haim.
FACT: Corey was raised by parents Bob and Sheila and he shared life with brothers Eden and Devin and sisters Mindy and Brittnie.
OPINION: Sharing one life between four siblings was difficult, but Corey was always generous like that.
FACT: In 1974 Corey landed his first commercial for McDonalds gift certificates followed by one for Welch's grape juice. As a child Corey appeared in over 80 commercials.
OPINION: You ever try cashing a McDonalds gift certificate at the bank? Corey did.
FACT: In 1979 Corey got his first big role on television as Regi Tower in the short-lived series The Bad News Bears.
OPINION: The problem with The Bad News Bears is that there were not nearly enough actual bears in the show.
FACT: This year was also the start of Corey's movie career with the film Time After Time. In this film H.G. Wells travels into the future to stop Jack the Ripper, and save the woman who will become his wife.
OPINION: Ah, man not another H.G. Wells traveling through time to catch Jack the Ripper movie! I’m sick of Hollywood always making movies about shit like that.
FACT: While at this time Corey remained mainly on television with numerous tv-movies and guest appearances, his voice at least did go on in the movies. In 1981 he provided the voice of Young Copper in the Disney movie The Fox and the Hound.
OPINION: Most people don’t realize that in order for an actor to do the voice of a cartoon character, they have to watch the video for Aha’s “Take on Me” until they are transformed into a world of animation.
FACT: Corey's next physical appearance in a movie didn't come until 1984 when he played Pete in the first Gremlins movie.
OPINION: The puppets used in that movie are amazing. You’d almost think that Corey Feldman’s character was a real person.
FACT: This was followed in 1985 with a small part in Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning.
OPINION: The only scary movie with guys in hockey masks is The Mighty Ducks.
FACT: But 1985 was a good year for Corey as he landed his first major movie role as Mouth in the Speilberg hit The Goonies.
OPINION: After I saw Goonies, I started a gang with a stupid fat kid, and a deformed retard in the hopes of finding pirate gold. A family of criminals caught on to our plan and killed the fat kid and the retard. I ended up joining the family of criminals because you can make a lot more money stealing shit than looking for pirate gold in sewers. The moral of the story is never get fat.
FACT: With Goonies, Corey's movie career was off and running and 1986 brought him the hit movie Stand By Me which served to showcase Corey's acting talent in playing an emotionally troubled youth, Teddy Duchamp.
OPINION: Emotionally troubled youths would be less emotionally troubled if grownups weren’t always frightening them with make believe characters like the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, and Michael Jackson.
UPEI Milestones Edition Volume 2
“an insult to the students, staff, alumni, buildings, trees, rats, birds, computers, dickheads, losers, minority groups, model United Nations, hamsters, billy goats, student union, student newspaper, yearbook, the guy who fills the vending machines, security, elevators, the athletics department, and other assholes of the university.”
FACT: In 1988 the Panthers won second AUAA men’s basketball and third men’s hockey championships.
OPINION: The only winners in UPEI’s athletic department this year are the people who bet money against the Panthers.
FACT: The Main building was opened after renovations in 1989.
OPINION: Whenever I walk up the stairs on Main building, I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. And I don’t trust the elevator because I usually end up being stuck on one with someone that smells funny. They should either install an escalator, or burn the place down.
FACT: The first Masters Degree was awarded in 1989.
OPINION: Anyone who feels the need to be called “Master” should train in martial arts, or find a prostitute. Either way, that person will save money instead of wasting it at UPEI.
FACT: The Business Institute was founded in 1989.
OPINION: Business students are so stupid that when they go to a football game they think a quarterback is a refund. Football players are also stupid for the same reason.
FACT: In 1989, Senate approved the honours program in Psychology.
OPINION: Psychology students learn a lot from rats - I mean Psychology professors.
FACT: In 1991, the Wanda Wyatt Dining Hall officially opened.
OPINION: I would rather eat the crotch off a low flying duck than try the taters at Wanda Wyatt.
FACT: The Library catalogue was computerized with the installation of the BOBCAT system in 1991.
OPINION: 1991? It all makes sense now. The BOBCAT system isn’t a cheap looking piece of crap: it’s like the grunge version of the dewy decimal system. I always thought the library smelled like teen spirit.
FACT: In 1991, the Senate established the Centre for Enhancement of Teaching.
OPINION: Isn’t that just a fancy name for detox?
FACT: In 1992, UPEI hosted the 44th annual Learned Societies conference.
OPINION: I wonder if any losers from UPEI’s model United Nations society were invited.
FACT: The L.M. Montgomery Institute was founded in 1993.
OPINION: I have to give Lucy Maude props. PEI is the only place where millions of tourists travel to visit a home that never existed except in a fictional story. You’d think Michael Chrichton would get off his ass and build Jurrasic Park.
FACT: The Women’s Centre opened in 1993.
OPINION: The Men’s Centre was shut down after a Mexican Wrestler got assaulted.
FACT: UPEI celebrated its 25th Anniversary in 1994.
OPINION: 25 years of rednecks learning to read books is reason enough to celebrate.
FACT: UPEI announced the Potential Within Campaign for science facilities in 1994.
OPINION: I’m pretty sure most science students don’t need a campaign to know that they have the potential to make their own supply of crack, or genetically altered house pets.
FACT: In 1994, UPEI released a study on the impact of university on the Island economy.
OPINION: The results of the study were that UPEI makes Island students very poor, and Poppa Shine filthy rich.
FACT: The Animal Welfare Unit was established in 1994.
OPINION: It was necessary to keep vet students from spanking their monkeys.
FACT: In 1995, UPEI held a Bard-a-thon to raise money for the reconstruction of the Globe Theatre in England.
OPINION: We should hold some sort of fund-raiser for the reconstruction of Tom Green’s globes.
FACT: The UPEI Debating Society hosted the first annual L.M. Montgomery Cup Debating Tournament in 1996.
OPINION: They must have argued about stuff like who’s cuter Sarah Poley or that ugly kid from Emily of New Moon.
*kent, i think the last one might be too mean. Just put the ugly kid’s real name instead if you don’t think we should offend every islander, and traumatize a little girl at the same time. i think her name is something like martha macissaac. Maybe we should put “spoiled brat” instead of “ugly kid”.
FACT: In 1997, twenty-four of UPEI’s student athletes were named to the Royal Bank Academic All Canadian Honour Roll.
OPINION: The stars of Grand Prix Wrestling have a better chance of receiving that honour than the student athletes at UPEI this year.
FACT: In 1998, the Webster family donated $1 million to UPEI for “smart campus” initiative.
OPINION: If UPEI really had a “smart campus” we’d have more robots.
FACT: UPEI announced a minor in Theatre Studies in 1998.
OPINION: I always dreamed of becoming an actor and winning an Academy Award, but I’ve become cynical ever since Will Smith was snubbed for Wild Wild West.
*kent, you can replace wild wild west with bad boys. Whatever’s funnier/sadder.
FACT: In1999, UPEI’s campus radio station, CIMN, was shut down by Student Union President Andrew Peppin.
OPINION: Any radio station that doesn’t play Phil Collins every hour deserves to be shut down. Way to go Peppin, you fucking idiot.
*kent, is that libel?
FACT: I ran out of facts about UPEI.
OPINION: Well why don’t you talk about Harvard instead?
FACT: T.S. Elliot was the editor of Harvard’s student newspaper.
OPINION: Elliot probably didn’t have the same problem with bananas that the Cadre’s editor has.
FACT: Harvard has a large central campus located in Cambridge and Boston and affiliated offices in elsewhere in the U.S. and worldwide.
OPINION: UPEI’s campus is located near the Wendy’s and the Subway. Suck on that, Harvard.
FACT: Harvard University, which celebrated its 350th anniversary in 1986, is the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States.
OPINION: At least UPEI doesn’t need Viagra to fuck its students. We have the Book Store to do that.
FACT: Six presidents of the United States - John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Theodore and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Rutherford B. Hayes, and John Fitzgerald Kennedy - were graduates of Harvard.
OPINION: Matt Damon went to Harvard, and he’s a hottie.
FACT: The Harvard University Gazette is Harvard's official newspaper, published weekly during the academic year and periodically in the summer (about 40 times per year) by the Office of News and Public Affairs.
OPINION: If you aim for the sky you might reach the stars, but if you’re pissing up a tree, you’ll probably upset a woodpecker.
UPEI Milestones Edition
FACT: In1855 Bishop Bernard MacDonald opened St. Dunstan’s College.
OPINION: It was named after the patron saint of b-boys, Dancing Dunstan.
FACT: In 1941 St Dunstan’s University confers first Arts degrees.
OPINION: Back then they didn’t have fast food restaurants or taxi cabs, so people with Arts degrees had to find work as fishermen.
FACT: The PEI government purchased grounds and buildings from St. Dunstan’s University for $5, 700, 000.
OPINION: They must have been really drunk when they agreed to pay that much money for this shithole.
FACT: Dr. James Rigney was the first president of the Faculty Association.
OPINION: The movie, The Faculty, is based loosely on his life story.
FACT: In 1969 the men’s golf team won the first AUAA championship.
OPINION: Golf is the only game where it’s perfectly fine to say, “Hey those are my balls, get them out of your mouth!”
FACT: The first computer purchased by UPEI was an IBM 1620 in 1970.
OPINION: I think the computer lab on the third floor of Main building is full of 1620's. I could be wrong, they may have upgraded to Commodores.
FACT: The Barn opened in 1971 as the University’s student centre.
OPINION: It still functions as the symbolic hangout for UPEI’s redneck population (when they’re finished mating at Burger King).
FACT: In 1972 the Lady Panthers field hockey team won the Atlantic Intermediate championship.
OPINION: Field hockey is like ice hockey except for the chance that a bird might shit on your head during second period.
FACT: Centential Scholars program was established in 1973 to provide Island residents over 60 free access to education.
OPINION: Increasing tuition gives Island residents under 60 less money to spend on beanie babies.
FACT: In 1973 the campus plan was redesigned with new parking.
OPINION: It must have been redesigned by some sick fuck who enjoyed parking as far away from campus as possible.
FACT: A provincial bid was made to establish a veterinary college at UPEI in 1974.
OPINION: We’ll all regret having a veterinary college the day they decide to let the monkeys out. Just wait and see. They’ll do it.
FACT: The men’s golf team won the Atlantic championship in 1974.
OPINION: Team work is what attracts most people to golf. And the fact that caddies have to tickle the players after each whole is an added bonus.
FACT: The University Progress Fund raised close to $3,000,000 for a new library in 1974.
OPINION: They needed at least $2 million for the futuristic, Bobcat book search system.
FACT: Robertson Library officially opened in 1975.
OPINION: There are lots of books and shit at the library, but my only complaint is the lack of smut.
FACT: In 1977 the women’s curling team won the AUAA championship.
OPINION: Is it just me, or does anyone else find a bunch of women with brooms screaming “Hard!” erotic?
FACT: In 1980 an observatory was installed atop Memorial Hall.
OPINION: Now a days the observatory is home to rabid squirrels and retired English professors.
FACT: In 1981 the Business Administrations Department became a school.
OPINION: Everything you learn in an economics class has no application in the real world because they don’t teach you anything about Canadian Tire money.
FACT: The Canadian Studies Program was established in 1981.
OPINION: A course in Canadian Studies is good because they tell you what those Canadian Heritage Moments are too afraid to say.
FACT: The Panthers won three men’s AUAA soccer championships in a row from 1983-85.
OPINION: The Rodney Dangerfield film, Ladybugs, really captures the true essence of winning a soccer game.
FACT: The hockey team won their first men’s AUAA championship in 1985.
OPINION: Not only did they win the championship, but they also won the hearts of millions. No, wait a minute, I’m thinking of Rodney Dangerfield again.
FACT: The Institute of Island Studies was established in 1985.
OPINION: The song Kokomo takes on a whole new meaning to someone in Island Studies.
FACT: In 1986 the Panthers won their first AUAA men’s basketball championship.
OPINION: Most people assume tall people are on a basketball team, but when I see a tall person I’m concerned about drool falling on my head from above.
FACT: The first veterinary students were admitted in 1986.
OPINION: But they wouldn’t admit in public to actually being vet students. They would rather lie and say they were convicted murderers than tell people they cleaned monkey shit out of a cage.
FACT: The Challenge of the Eighties campaign raised $500,000.
OPINION: The real challenge of the Eighties was trying to get your hair to look like Mr. T’s.
FACT: In 1987 the university adopted official coat of arms and motto, “Faith, Knowledge, Service.”
OPINION: A better motto would be “UPEI: Nuts to Holland College, We’re Fucking Great!”
FACT: Every year, about 4000 people are injured by their pillows, and another 6000 people are injured by their pajamas.
OPINION: There’s nothing worse than a bad case of “pajama burn” for your genitals. Make sure your pajamas are loose fitting, and never share them with strangers that hang out at the food court of your local mall.
FACT: During a pro football game in New York, a giant inflatable lawn mower being used for a promotion fell into the stands and killed a spectator.
OPINION: I can barely fit a small cat under my lawn mower, but imagine the splatter a football fan would make.
FACT: A load of pigs in a jumbo jet in 1995 produced so much gas that they set off the plane’s fire alarm.
OPINION: When a fire alarm goes off during a flight, do they bother calling the fire department? I suppose that’s why there’s ladders on fire trucks.
FACT: In 1982, a man in southern California successfully flew up to 16000 feet in the air in a lawn chair attached to balloons filled with helium.
OPINION: I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon than relaxing in a lawn chair and catching fresh pigeons the old fashioned way.
FACT: Smog limits the amount of skin damage from sunlight.
OPINION: You might look healthy, but exposure to too much smog can do crazy things to your ability to see through women’s clothing.
FACT: In 1995, a chicken fell into a well on a small farm in Egypt. Six people drowned trying to save it.
OPINION: You’d risk your life for a chicken too, if you wanted to impress a group of sexy hens.
FACT: One species of fly can fly faster than a modern passenger jet at more than 500 miles an hour.
OPINION: Flies may be fast, but they are still to small to ride.
FACT: In the early 1950's, coonskin caps were so popular that the price paid for raccoon tails jumped from 25 cents a pound to 8 dollars a pound.
OPINION: Now you’d have to get a store owner pretty drunk before they’d sell you a pound of racoon tails for 8 dollars. That’s why I grow my own.
FACT: In the 1930's, the Mafia fought turf wars to control miniature golf courses in New York City.
OPINION: These gangsters were the toughest little midgets to ever hit the streets of New York City. Thank God for Dick Tracy.
FACT: In 1947, the FDA began investigating bubble gum by testing it on animals because of reported health problems caused by chewing it.
OPINION: I used to test all food on my dog before eating it, but we learned the hard way that scented candles were not safe to eat while lit.
FACT: Silly Putty was first called Gooey Gup.
OPINION: There’s nothing silly about putty...except when it bounces. That’s pretty silly.
FACT: The average Great Dane can live up to 10 years, and the average Pekinese can live up to 16 years.
OPINION: I wouldn’t sell a Great Dane life insurance no matter how great he claimed to be. It’s nothing personal. I couldn’t sell life insurance to anyone. I’m not a qualified life insurance salesman. And I don’t like talking about, so let’s just leave it at that.
FACT: During a company party, a man died of a heart attack while dancing the Twist. His widow received workman’s compensation because it was an official company function.
OPINION: It’s a little known fact that more people have died listening to Chubby Checker than Slayer, Megadeath, and Hedonistic Machiavellians combined.
FACT: Scientists announced that a human stomach can hold as many as 150 goldfish, or about 1000 calories worth.
OPINION: If you chew them properly, your stomach could hold more.
FACT: In some parts of the world baked bat is a delicacy.
OPINION: In some parts of the world people never heard of the Moffats. Are they crazy or are we?
FACT: In 1940, minor riots broke out at some stores as women rushed to by nylon stockings for the first time.
OPINION: The first time I bought nylon stockings a riot almost broke out. I never bought nylon stockings at a prison again.
FACT: A traditional gourmet delicacy in France is cow brain fritters.
OPINION: You could put the name of anything in front of the word fritter, and it would automatically sound like a bad idea.
FACT: In parts of Africa, stewed cat is considered a delicacy.
OPINION: Wait until they try the George Foreman Grill.
FACT: In parts of Asia, chewing betel nut, which turns teeth black, is a sign of social status.
OPINION: Where I come from - Cape Breton - wearing a freshly ironed Iron Maiden t-shirt and a pair of jeans is a sign of social status.
FACT: In 1979, the world record for snail eating was challenged by a French diner who consumed 72 snails in 3 minutes. He died of snail poisoning.
OPINION: Some might say he died for a good cause, but they’d be lying. He got greedy and paid the price like all those other snail-eating scumbags.
FACT: Only 10 percent of the characters on TV programs are overweight. More than 60 percent of the TV audience is overweight.
OPINION: If they stopped showing those programs about famines in Africa, maybe we could balance out fat people on TV ratio.
FACT: A school in Mesopotamia in 2000 BC had rules for caning students.
OPINION: The most important rule for caning students is to teach them that violence doesn’t solve anything. So teachers would randomly beat the shit out of students for no reason.
FACT: Harry Houdini figured out how to escape from straight jackets when he was only 22 years old.
OPINION: That’s nothing. I’ve been escaping from straight jackets ever since my Dad started home schooling me.
FACT: Each person will receive almost 560 pieces of junk mail this year. The average person gets only 1.5 personal letters each week, compared to 10.8 pieces of junk mail.
OPINION: If only mail-order brides were as reliable as junk mail.
FACT: A clothing store in Macon, Georgia, ran an advertisement in the upper left corner of page 2A of The Macon Telegraph every day from 1889 to 1987. This amounted to a total of 35291 ads.
OPINION: This store stopped running ads after their failed attempt to introduce “strapless overalls” to Macon forced them out of business.
FACT: The most pages of advertisements sold in a single issue of a periodical is 829.54, in the October 1989 edition of Business Week.
OPINION: Most of the pages in Business Week are filled with smutty pictures of accounts in spiked leather thongs doing tax returns....or so I’m told.
FACT: The largest advertising sign was the two-sided sign at the Hilton Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. It had a total area of 7,648 square meters and was 110.3 meters high when completed in December 1993. Part of it fell down in a storm on July 18 1994, but it remains both the largest and the tallest sign, as well as the world’s tallest illuminated sign.
OPINION: You’d need a sign that big to advertise such high profile acts that perform in Vegas like Wayne Newton, Siegfried and Roy, and Carrot Top.
FACT: The highest ever TV advertising rate was $2.2 million per minute, for ABC network prime-time during the transmission of Super Bowl XXX on January 28 1996.
OPINION: I’m always disappointed when I watch football. When I hear that the Dolphins are playing the Cowboys, I expect to see a field full of real cowboys from the old west and dolphins from Sea World. But it never fucking happens! There’s usually just a bunch of overpaid, professional athletes. Well something tells me Vince McMahon will change all of this.
FACT: An advertisement for Reebok’s InstaPUMP shoes was created, filmed and aired during Super Bowl XXVII at the Atlanta Georgia Dome on January 31 1993. Filming continued until the beginning of the fourth quarter of play, editing began in the middle of the third quarter and the finished product was aired during the break at the two-minute mark warning of the fourth quarter. It starred Emmitt Smith of the Dallas Cowboys and lasted 30 seconds.
OPINION: The only reason Reebok’s inflatable shoes didn’t catch on is because they don’t come in funny shapes like balloons do.
FACT: The longest advertisement on British television was a 7 minute and 10 second slot on Good Morning Britain on January 20, 1985.
OPINION: A 7 minute tea break must have been exciting for the Queen Mum while the commercial was on the tely, but not nearly as exciting as her 7 minute pee break.
FACT: Coca-Cola was first registered as a trademark by Atlanta pharmacist Briggs Chandler in 1893. The distinctive script was advertised on fans, serving trays, calendars and countless other specialty items, eventually making it the most recognized trademark in the world.
OPINION: Coca-Cola’s greatest achievement was secretly killing Pepsi spokesman, Macauley Culkin.
FACT: To support recruiting efforts and sales of war bonds and stamps during World War 1, thousands of advertisers featured war themes in their campaigns while media contributed space. By 1919, the contributions totaled $2.5 billion.
OPINION: After contributing so much to their country, when the war was over, advertisers decided to continue helping out America by teaching children the correct way to smoke cigarettes.
FACT: Celebrity endorsements were a popular tool by cigarette advertisers to add glamour to their brand during the Golden Age of Hollywood.
OPINION: When I think of glamour during the Golden Age of Hollywood, the first thing that comes to my mind is Fatty Arbuckle.
FACT: In 1982, Apple began one of the decade's most aggressive advertising campaigns. Its objective was to take some of the mystery out of personal computers.
OPINION: Bill Gates’ only objective was to talk to girls.
FACT: Nike pictured sports figures wearing its shoes in giant size ads during the 1984 Los Angeles Summer Olympics - a fitting symbol of America's growing presence in the international market.
OPINION: And a fitting symbol of Americans dominating foreign countries in sports as well as sweat shops. USA! USA! USA!
FACT: In October 1994, “HotWired” was launched with the first banner ads on the Internet. Advertisers include AT&T, MCI, Sprint, Volvo and others.
OPINION: The thing I love about banner ads on the Internet is that one minute you’re checking out some website, then with the simple click of a mouse you end up looking at a page with naked chicks and billy goats.
FACT: Campus Plus sells multi-market advertising space in over 100 Canadian student newspapers and on student websites.
OPINION: Not only do they help fill student newspapers with ads, but if you have a problem with genital warts, they can fix that too.
FACT: Campus Plus is the way to advertise to over two million university and college students across Canada.
OPINION: It’s also the way to exploit lowly advertising managers without paying them any money. *sniff*
FACT: The over two million university and college students in Canada represent a very lucrative market. Not only are they significant users of many products and services now, but they are also establishing purchasing patterns and loyalties for the future.
OPINION: Those two million university and college students are also just starting to build up debt through student loans, so it’s better to target them now, than when they get out of university and realize they can barely pay their rent because of all their bills.
FACT: 86% of students read their student newspaper. Student newspapers are written for students, by students, focusing on local campus issues that immediately effect all students. These students are busy with their academic and social lives, so they are not heavy users of the traditional mass media.
OPINION: And perhaps they will be too busy with their studies to notice that advertisers are trying to manipulate them through small, independent papers.
FACT: Students trust their student newspaper, which provides advertisers with a positive environment in which to promote their products.
OPINION: So advertisers should feel free to tell those papers when they have to print.
FACT: Through Campus Plus, you can place advertising in any of the newspapers they represent by means of a single order.
OPINION: If a student newspaper isn’t scheduled to print on a certain week, Campus Plus will force them to print anyway with a single order because student newspapers don’t really belong to the students, they belong to the advertisers. Drink at Caseys!
FACT: The moon is moving 1.5 inches away from the Earth every year.
OPINION: My neighbor will be moving 1.5 inches away from my fist, if he doesn’t stop playing Kid Rock.
FACT: In 1896, the first car was stolen.
OPINION: Imagine being carjacked by a guy on a horse. If that’s not the most humiliating thing in the world, then I don’t know what is. Come to think of it, I bet having your horse carjacked would be pretty humiliating.
FACT: On November 30, 1618, the first Thanksgiving was held in North America.
OPINION: Thanksgiving is the day Americans remember that the Pilgrims and the Indians had a dinner. But in reality, that never actually happened. Pilgrims and Indians are fictitious holiday characters like the Easter Bunny, the groundhog, and Queen Victoria.
FACT: In Laos, people cook fire ants in a special soup.
OPINION: In the Impressions Café, those are not fire ants in your soup, but they taste pretty similar.
FACT: Even a small asteroid striking the Earth could wipe out the entire population of a continent.
OPINION: I probably wouldn’t miss Australia anyway, but I hope Yahoo Serious would find a way to survive.
FACT: On October 8, 1871, the great Chicago fire destroyed 17,450 buildings.
OPINION: That fire was not nearly as great as the one that roasted my marshmallows* this summer.
*By marshmallows, I am in no way referring to my bikini area - but that was a great fire too, if you’re into roasting your chestnuts.
FACT: Astronaut Buzz Aldrin once lost a space glove while orbiting the Earth.
OPINION: What an idiot! If he was as smart as me, his space gloves would be attached to the rest of his spacesuit like mine.
FACT: In parts of the South Pacific Islands where cannibalism was once common, human bodies are referred to as “long pig.”
OPINION: Short people are referred to as “stumpy.”
FACT: Each year three-quarters of a million post-menopausal American women die prematurely from diseases that are largely preventable such as heart attacks, strokes, and cancers.
OPINION: I have enough trouble trying to prevent passing gas in public, let alone heart attacks, strokes and cancers.
FACT: Lack of information prevents many women over forty from getting the healthcare they need.
OPINION: As you can see, I’ve run out of wacky facts and have now resorted to pamphlets about the health risks for women over forty as my inspiration.
FACT: The number one killer of women over 50 is heart disease.
OPINION: I’m kind of curious of how they number killer diseases. Do they assign a rank based on its widespread popularity (like the Billboard Top 100) or do they arbitrarily place a number on the disease (like Magic 93's Top 9 at 9)?
FACT: Each year nearly 500,000 women die of cardiovascular disease.
OPINION: I guess that answers my question.
FACT: Until age 50 our primary female hormone, estrogen, protects our heart and arteries in two ways:
Keeping artery walls very elastic, making it easier for the heart to pump blood, and causing the liver to break down fats into more good cholesterol [HDL] than bad cholesterol [LDL].
OPINION: I like my artery walls the same as I like my sweat pants: elastic.
FACT: Life expectancy for women in the United States is 82.
OPINION: I once read a birthday card that said “82 isn’t old...if you’re a tree.” I didn’t find the joke very funny, but I had to run after reading it because that damn 82 year old caught me stealing her mail again.
FACT: At the turn of the century the life expectancy for women was only 50.
OPINION: 50 isn’t old...if you’re a MAPUS student.
FACT: The second 40 years of your life and beyond can and should be the prime of your life. Some changes are inevitable with the aging process but their effects do not have to be adverse. A good outlook on life, coupled with strong self-esteem and a healthy lifestyle, will help keep you looking, feeling and acting years younger than your age.
OPINION: And avoid using crack cocaine. It causes wrinkles.
FACT: Ninety percent of breast cancers are curable.
OPINION: But women should be wary of having their breasts examined by a guy wearing a shirt that says “Tit Inspector.” His name is Kent, and he is not licenced.
FACT: The only cure for osteoporosis is prevention
OPINION: A good prevention from getting violently ill is to avoid eating anything with the words “frosted” or “flakes” in the title.
FACT: Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.
OPINION: Maine is also the toothless capital of the world. If you want to compliment a girl from Maine, say, "Hey, nice tooth."
FACT: New Jersey has a spoon museum with over 5,400 spoons from almost all the states.
OPINION: Man, if I could only get into that spoon museum, I'd have enough spoons to start the coolest band.
FACT: There was once a town in West Virginia called "6".
OPINION: There was once a town in West Virginia called "9" but seven eight nine.
FACT: Singapore only has one train station.
OPINION: And they'll cane the shit out of you if you diss it.
FACT: The parking meter was invented in North Dakota.
OPINION: It is also where the pay toilet was invented. You can't park your car or use the washroom without a roll of quarters in North Dakota.
FACT: Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.
OPINION: That was all right, but he looked silly riding to work everyday on the back of an old man.
FACT: The green stuff on the occasional freak potato chip is chlorophyll.
OPINION: The red stuff is blood.
FACT: If you ate too many carrots you would turn orange.
OPINION: Take my advice, do not eat anything grown on PEI. Any province that allows Anthrax to be used as a pesticide is bound to have orange Vegans.
FACT: Pluto's orbit crosses Neptune's making Pluto the eighth planet from the sun. It has been that way since 1979 and will remain that way until 1999.
OPINION: In the year 2000 Uranus is going to be in orbit, because I'm going give it a well deserved kickin'.
FACT: The earth is approx. 6,588,000,000,000,000,000 tons.
OPINION: Wow, the earth weighs a ton!
FACT: The force of 1 billion people jumping at the same time is equal to 500 tons of TNT.
OPINION: Please, people, ignore House of Pain's commands to "Get out your seat and jump around". They are members of the IRA and are trying to cause trouble.
FACT: Popeye was 5"6.
OPINION: He was also a member of the Village People.
FACT: Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
OPINION: He didn't call them freckles, he thought he caught VD from having a hand stuck up his ass.
FACT: Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first.
OPINION: He stepped with his right foot next, did the hokey pokey and he turned himself about.
FACT: The average speed of Heinz ketchup leaving the bottle is 25 miles per year.
OPINION: That's almost faster than Terry Fox.
FACT: Hilary Clinton once said, "We are the President."
OPINION: Bill Clinton tells any woman he wants to sleep with that they will both be President.
FACT: The percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%.
OPINION: Godliness is next to cleanliness, but God's a man so it doesn't matter how often women wash their hands.
FACT: The percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%.
OPINION: Most men refuse to wash their hands because they mistake urinal cakes for bars of soap, and there's no way they're touching one of those.
FACT: There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.
OPINION: There are nine squares on the hit game show, Hollywood Squares, and Whoopi Goldberg is in the center.
FACT: The Eifel Tower has 2 500 000 rivets in it.
OPINION: Rivets? I thought French people were called Frogs.
FACT: "Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish.
OPINION: Jaws IV is the most common name for a shitty movie starring Michael Cain.
FACT: On an average workday, a typist's fingers travel 12.6 miles.
OPINION: If typists didn't travel 12.6 miles to escape the unwanted touching by their bosses and stayed in front of their typewriter, they would probably get more work done.
FACT: The average American eats 2 donuts a day.
OPINION: Fritters are another story.
FACT: The longest word in the Old Testament is Malhershalahashbaz.
OPINION: It means "God was just joking about that whole 'thou shall not murder' thing."
FACT: The longest time a person has been in a coma is 37 years.
OPINION: I once thought I was in a coma for 12 years, but it turns out I was just really bored.
FACT: Every minute in the U.S 6 people turn 17.
OPINION: A 17 year old may be old enough to drive a car, but will have to wait another 10 years before he can even think about playing a character on Dawson's Creek.
FACT: A baby is born every 7 seconds.
OPINION: I say to hell with babies, they're not as cute as dogs.
FACT: 97.10 tons of space-dust fall on the Earth everyday.
OPINION: They materialize in the form of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace merchandise.
FACT: On average, a 4 year old child asks 437 questions a day.
OPINION: They can't be asking the right questions because the information Barney spews at them is pretty simple.
FACT: It takes the Where's Waldo artist one month to complete a drawing.
OPINION: It took me a couple of years to even find Waldo, but I've since given up. I find pornography to be a lot sexier than children's books.
FACT: Vancouver Island marmots (scientists know this animal as Marmota vancouverensis) live only in the high mountains of Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada and nowhere else in the world.
OPINION: Atlantic Canada used to have a large marmot population, but they all headed west to get work.
FACT: Marmots are the largest members of the squirrel family. Adults typically grow as large as a big housecat (about 5 to 7 kilograms).
OPINION: If I saw a squirrel that big, I would not want it going after my nuts.
FACT: All of the world's 14 marmot species build elaborate underground burrows, hibernate during winter, and feed on grasses and flowers.
OPINION: Sounds like a description of most of those damn hippies in Vancouver.
FACT: Some marmot species live in mountainous regions - the Latin name "Marmota" actually translates into "mountain mouse".
OPINION: The Latin name "vancouverensis" actually translates into "Terry David Mulligan doesn't have a penis". Go figure.
FACT: Most species are highly social creatures that live in colonies.
OPINION: You can tell the "mountain rat" is social by the way it humps your leg. You can tell it lives in colonies when a whole bunch of them ruin your good pants.
FACT: Three other marmot species are found in Canada (the Woodchuck, Yellow-bellied marmot and Hoary marmot).
OPINION: The Hoary marmot lost a "W" when it stopped charging for sex and started doing it for free.
FACT: Vancouver Island marmots are easily distinguished from other marmots by their rich chocolate-brown fur and contrasting white patches. There are other differences as well -- genetic, behavioral and ecological -- they even sound unique!
OPINION: They make really original sounds when you sit on them.
FACT: Apart from being unusual and lovely, Marmota vancouverensis has the dubious distinction of being the world's rarest marmot. In fact, with a population containing fewer than 100 individuals, this engaging rodent ranks as one of the world's rarest mammals.
OPINION: So please, watch where you are sitting.
FACT: Certainly the immediate problem is clear: there just aren't enough marmots left to go around! In fact, the population collapsed from over 300 animals during the mid-1980s to fewer than 100 today (including some now in captivity).
OPINION: In order to preserve the Vancouver Island marmot population, my family only eats one marmot for Thanksgiving instead of our usual three. It's the least we could do.
FACT: Vancouver Island marmots are gone from most areas that they once inhabited. In a few cases disappearances apparently occurred hundreds or thousands of years ago. These are almost certainly the result of long-term changes in climate and vegetation. But most extinctions happened within the past few decades, and a frightening number occurred since the 1980s.
OPINION: I blame Loverboy.
FACT: Only a handful of the 30-plus colonies that were active in 1984 still have marmots. Several are now so small that individuals probably won't find a mate even if they manage to survive.
OPINION: Jesus, why don't they just go down to The Bar.
FACT: The paradox is that this species successfully colonized man-habitats created by clear-cut logging of high elevation forests during the 1980-90s. This allowed dramatic but temporary increases in a small area (mostly on four adjacent mountains). In some years more marmots lived in these clear-cuts than in the nearby natural sub-alpine meadows.
OPINION: You don't suppose it was the trees that were killing the marmots?
FACT: It now appears likely that forestry contributed to the recent downfall of Marmota vancouverensis.
OPINION: Obviously the little bastards didn't like trees. Why blame those poor souls who were trying to save the marmots by chopping down those nasty forests?
FACT: One effect of clear-cut logging was to create new habitat that encouraged dispersing "teenagers" to stop in nearby "easy" (fresh clear-cuts resemble the natural sub-alpine meadows). By doing so these individuals didn't get to more far-flung places, where they might have provided new mate-choices for residents. Scientists would describe this as "altering the landscape connectivity" for marmots.
OPINION: Fucking scientists would say something stupid like that. Why don't they just call it like it is: "a severe case of blue balls".
FACT: This wouldn't be a bad thing, if marmots were as successful in clear-cuts. But for a variety of reasons they're not (they apparently die more often during hibernation and/or are killed more often by predators). Scientists would describe this as creating poor quality habitats that function as a population "sink".
OPINION: Goddamn scientific jargon. Speak English, doctor! How can they expect me to care about the little marmot when they keep using words like "sink"?
FACT: It remains unclear which predators are most important, or whether disease outbreaks have occurred. But theory tells us that a concentrated population is much more vulnerable than a widely-distributed one. And when you get down to these kinds of population numbers, every death is important.
OPINION: I blame violence on television and video games.
FACT: Vancouver Island marmots communicate by physical contact and by whistling. Their most frequent call is a high-pitched whistle, which warns colony members of danger. Hence one local nickname, "whistle pig".
OPINION: That was my nickname in highschool. Except instead of "whistle" it was "ass".
FACT: Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
OPINION: Most Australians say the word "Mate" over 50 times a day. Coincidence? I think not.
FACT: Butterflies taste with their feet.
OPINION: Butterfinger chocolate bars taste like feet.
FACT: A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
OPINION: Miss Piggy gets Jiggy for half an hour? No wonder Kermit gets nervous when Piggy is horny.
FACT: The McDonalds at the SkyDome in Toronto, Ontario is the only one in the world that sells hot dogs.
OPINION: Snoop Doggy Dogg is the spokesman for the SkyDome's McDoggs. In ads for the product he grabs a McDogg and says, "Jeah, I'm gonna do a 187 on this beotch" and then he washes it down with a Mc40.
FACT: A bowling pin only has to tilt 7.5 degrees in order to fall down.
OPINION: If you saw great big balls coming towards you at top speed, it wouldn't take much to make you fall down.
FACT: Jerry Seinfeld's apartment number (on the show) is 5A. In the old episodes it was 3A.
OPINION: He moved up to 5A in order to get closer to that male slut, Kramer.
FACT: The life span of a taste bud is ten days.
OPINION: It may be your bud, but don't get too friendly. Any relationship you form with your taste bud will only end in tears after ten memorable days.
FACT: The shortest commercial ever was only 4 frames of a second.
OPINION: Homeboys be frontin' on my short commercial, but I don't care, really doe. It's not the size, but how you use it, sucka.
FACT: A stretched out Slinky is 87 feet long.
OPINION: If you give a kid a spring that is 87 feet long and call it a toy, you shouldn't be surprised if they take out their aggression by shooting their classmates.
FACT: The hundred billionth Crayola crayon was Perriwinkle Blue.
OPINION: This crayon was from Crayola's latest "Colours of the Homo Rainbow" collection.
FACT: A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
OPINION: Kangaroos have pouches so they can conceal their weapons and avoid any static from the fuzz.
FACT: A group of whales is called a pod.
OPINION: A whale porn star is called Moby Dick.
FACT: A group of geese is called a gaggle.
OPINION: A gaggle of geese sure can destroy a nice walk by the lake if they decide to honk obscenities at your girlfriend.
FACT: A group of owls is called a parliament.
OPINION: That can't be true. Besides Jean Chretien's, there are hardly any hooters in the House of Commons.
FACT: A group of ravens is called a murder.
OPINION: I bet the police get confused when a group of ravens get murdered. Not because it would be called a "murder of murders," but because it's hard to imagine why someone would kill such a beautiful, exotic bird.
FACT: A group of bears is called a sleuth.
OPINION: They are not as good at solving crimes as you'd expect. Bears can't seem to tell the difference from someone who is dead or just playing dead so they won't eat him.
FACT: 12 or more cows are called a flink.
OPINION: I call 12 cows or more a milk shake…no that's what I call 12 cows or more in an earthquake…oh forget it. I'm thirsty. I need a big glass of cow juice.
FACT: A baby oyster is called a spat.
OPINION: A bearded oyster can be found at most nude beaches.
FACT: In the October 22, 1945 edition of Life magazine there was a picture of a chicken with its head cut off.
OPINION: Gentleman's Quarterly voted the headless chicken sexiest man of the year in 1997.
FACT: The average garden-variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
OPINION: The average musclehead has a penis the size of a caterpillar as a result of using steroids.
FACT: Pinocchio was made of pine.
OPINION: Pine scented floor cleaners are made out of Pinocchio's sweat.
FACT: A mule won't sink in quicksand but a donkey will.
OPINION: I'm not sure about horses, but I'll find out as soon as I can trick one into walking in some quicksand.
FACT: Alfred Hitchcock had no belly button for it was eliminated during surgery.
OPINION: The master of suspense also had his nipples removed during the same operation.
FACT: There are 22 stars in the Paramount logo.
OPINION: There are 3 stars in the Three Amigos.
FACT: The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.
OPINION: That's enough spit to put on at least a dozen rub-on tattoos.
FACT: A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.
OPINION: The next time you see a homeless man, don't give him a quarter. Keep it for yourself because quarters are "groovy."
FACT: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
OPINION: Wow, they must be worth a fortune!
FACT: Cranberry Jell-o is the only kind that contains real fruit.
OPINION: Michael Flatly flavored Jell-o doesn't exist…yet.
FACT: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
OPINION: Aglets? And to think, all this time I called them "the little plastic shoe bastards."
FACT: The pound sign # is called anoctothorpe.
OPINION: It was named after Dr Anoctothorpe, the inventor of phone sex.
FACT: The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet
OPINION: One of these days the lazy dog is going to get that quick brown fox and jump a mudhole in his sorry ass.
FACT: In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
OPINION: In every episode of Full House there is a nude shower scene.
FACT: Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches
OPINION: Live fast, die young, have someone grab their crotch and throw you 100mph without washing their hands.
FACT: Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
OPINION: It doesn't matter what flavor they call it, PEZ will always taste like day old urine.
FACT: The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore, when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
OPINION: They installed the circular staircase because they needed the horses to stay downstairs to answer the phone.
FACT: The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
OPINION: During an open heart transplant on one of the Backstreet Boys, the surgeon kept playing games with his heart. (Thus the name of the Madonna song "Like a Virgin")
FACT: Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts-Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
OPINION: What a crock! There's only one great king from history - Larry King.
FACT: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
OPINION: This is also the same number of times you can listen to "Livin' La Vida Loca" without getting tired of it.
FACT: An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
OPINION: Hence the saying, "What's the matter with you boy, you got a bigger eye than your brain? Quit staring at my breasts!"
FACT: The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
OPINION: He was kicked off the airplane when the stewardess realized he sneaked into first class.
FACT: The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
OPINION: G.P. can also stand for "Girl Power" vehicle, but the army keeps that information confidential.
FACT: The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms than necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
OPINION: While on a visit to the Pentagon, Michael Jackson couldn't decide which bathroom he could go to. Michael gets confused when people try to classify bathrooms as either male or female. We all need to urinate, what difference does it make?
FACT: The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
OPINION: So if someone from Pennsylvania asks you "How low can you go?" punch them in the crotch.
FACT: Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
OPINION: But if taken in suppository form, it can be a stimulating adventure.
FACT: If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
OPINION: You also have a problem if you're pimp is expecting more money from you.
FACT: No NFL team that plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
OPINION: No NFL team's sexy dolphin mascot has ever made me want to run on the field naked. I swear I only did it because my clothes were on fire.
FACT: Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
OPINION: These people are so old that they can't even remember making a pact with Satan to live this long.
FACT: The name "Wendy" was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
OPINION: The name "Jesus" was made up for the film "The Big Lebowski."
FACT: It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
OPINION: It takes 4,000 baby seals to supply the NHL with hockey pucks.
FACT: The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
OPINION: The least valuable brand name on earth is Chip and Pepper.
FACT: Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
OPINION: My mom always used to warn me, "If you keep doing that, pigment is going to grow on your palms."
FACT: In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
OPINION: I bet the Russians have something to do with hurricanes.
FACT: Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
OPINION: But elephants are the only mammals that have a penis where their nose should be.
FACT: A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
OPINION: Bob Barker is a rhinoceros with a neatly combed horn.
FACT: A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
OPINION: Kind of like Clear Pepsi, except they don't smell like kerosene.
FACT: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
OPINION: Dueling should be legal everywhere. It makes so much more sense than wrestling or dance competitions.
FACT: Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
OPINION: He also invented the George Foreman Grill…no wait a minute…nevermind.
FACT: Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
OPINION: Marilyn Manson has eight hands, but they're not all his.
FACT: A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
OPINION: I know why, but the ducks made me promise not to tell or they'd kill my family.
FACT: The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
OPINION: Quack!…oh my God…they're coming to get me…I said too much.
FACT: If you keep a Goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
OPINION: If I was kept in a dark room with a goldfish, I would eventually get turned on.
FACT: Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
OPINION: A man needs to keep his eyes open in case he sees cleavage.
FACT: Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
OPINION: Left handed people cannot use puppets because they are designed for right handed people, so really, what's the point of them living at all?
FACT: The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
OPINION: Incontinence starts and ends with the letter P.
FACT: A snail can sleep for 3 years.
OPINION: Are they really sleeping? Or are they just playing dead in case a grizzly attacks?
FACT: American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
OPINION: Millions of dollars could be saved if they eliminated stewardesses and replaced them with electronic "Funkbots" that serve food and breakdance during flights.
FACT: China has more English speakers than the United States.
OPINION: University Avenue has more Alpine Speakers than Switzerland. It also has a lot of Kenwood speakers.
FACT: Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million people?
OPINION: I don't share anything. What do you think I am? A freaking toothbrush?
FACT: David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
OPINION: Rick Moranis was the guy in the Darth Helmet suit in Spaceballs, and he did his own lines, thanks to the schwartz.
FACT: Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald's.
OPINION: Ronald McDonald has been banned from Montpelier after an incident with an umbrella.
FACT: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
OPINION: The cruise liner, Prince Charles, is more efficient because its gigantic ears operate as sails.
FACT: The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
OPINION: Do you remember in elementary school when the gym teacher would get everyone to stand in a circle for a good old fashioned game of Dodge engine?
FACT: Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
OPINION: Leonardo Dicaprio is a hunk and he's a hotty! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Da Vinci.
FACT: Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
OPINION: In early childhood, development is sped up by inserting beer caps in the baby's knees.
FACT: The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
OPINION: That's why Puff Daddy called his song "Mo' hammeds, Mo' Problems."
FACT: In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.
OPINION: The greatest fire I ever saw involved flatulence and a cigarette lighter.
FACT: One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition.
OPINION: Cotton growers also made prostitution illegal because they were tired of paying for sex.
FACT: Marijuana is not as chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
OPINION: I didn't know nicotine was addictive. I thought tobacco companies wrote that on the package so you'd buy more than one.
FACT: Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
OPINION: So bang that fat guy's head against a wall. Who the hell does he think he is, coming down your chimney every year and delivering presents?
FACT: On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
OPINION: Arachnophobia would still be scarier than death even if it had no spiders.
FACT: The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
OPINION: If you get in a fight, lick your opponent with your strongest muscle until they submit. It works for Ken Shamrock and most Ultimate Fighting Champions.
FACT: It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
OPINION: How do you know you're really sneezing if you can't see it? You can't assume, when someone says "Bless you," that it means you just sneezed. They could be performing an exorcism on you.
FACT: You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
OPINION: Try to be more creative and kill yourself with a nice hot bowl of oatmeal.
FACT: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
OPINION: This land originally belonged to the natives, so it is not fair that Americans are eating it.
FACT: Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
OPINION: Stop licking my stamps and try a goddamn carrot, President Clinton.
FACT: A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
OPINION: You'll probably run into other problems, if you try to have oral sex with a crocodile.
FACT: The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
OPINION: It falls over on its left side when it gives "The People's Elbow" during a wrestling match.
FACT: Polar bears are left-handed.
OPINION: They use their right hand to open bottles of Coke, and they use their left hand to throw the empty bottles at baby seals.
FACT: A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
OPINION: The bumper sticker, "Give me head till I'm dead," is actually talking about cockroaches. Get your mind out of the gutter.
FACT: The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
OPINION: Actually, the "Give me head till I'm dead" bumper sticker is for the male praying mantis. I was just lying when I said it was for cockroaches.
FACT: Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
OPINION: Now if someone wants to get rid of someone without killing them they throw tennis balls at them during breakfast - hence the expression "get your balls out of my cereal"
FACT: Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
OPINION: You don't want to know how "Nibs" got their name.
FACT: The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
OPINION: I always thought Roger Ebert used his thumb to say whether or not a movie was good, I had no idea he was a wife-beater.
FACT: The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
OPINION: The rest of the roads are gay.
FACT: Cat's urine glows under a black light.
OPINION: Dog piss sparkles under the moonlight. It reminds me of your eyes.
FACT: In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
OPINION: It's so backwards in Cleveland that it's also illegal to operate a car without a drivers license and murdering people is also against the law.
FACT: Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
OPINION: They're probably unhappy because they married people who hate sunsets and long walks on the beach.
FACT: Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
OPINION: That's why the Hamburglar steals burgers instead of jacking cars.
FACT: It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
OPINION: I know this for a fact because I have twenty cows in my attic.
FACT: Ten percent of the Russian government's income is derived from the sale of vodka.
OPINION: Russian is not a real language. It is actually the slurred English of a bunch of alcoholics.
FACT: On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
OPINION: The pen may be mightier than the sword, but He-Man would look like an idiot if he tried to shove a Bic down Skeletor's throat.
FACT: Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
OPINION: I bet that when GM executives say "corporate merger" they're really talking about screwing their groupies.
FACT: The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
OPINION: The match is light-years ahead of the cigarette lighter because it can be used to light things other than cigarettes.
FACT: Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
OPINION: Surprisingly the most successful Jell-O flavor was creamed corn.
FACT: The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime while sleeping at night.
OPINION: And I thought I was only dreaming when I ate those spiders. I wonder if that dream where I'm naked while writing a Facts and Opinion column was real…wait a minute…where are my trousers?
FACT: The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
OPINION: If they used Viagra it might have lasted up to four hours.
FACT: Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
OPINION: Donald Duck was banned from joining the Navy for similar reasons.
FACT: If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
OPINION: The Chinese get their "freak on" in line ups? I wish the line up for the Registrar's office was like that.
FACT: A dentist invented the electric chair.
OPINION: The sadistic bastards practically invented pain. The chair was originally used to kill the patient so the doctor could steal his fillings.
FACT: The Boston University Bridge is one of the few places in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
OPINION: Nuts to that. I bet the trolls under that bridge are super tough.
FACT: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
OPINION: Puff Daddy only has one.
FACT: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our and ears never stop growing.
OPINION: By the time most people are fifty, they resemble elephants.
FACT: If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
OPINION: If Ken were life-size he'd still have no penis.
FACT: No word in the English language rhymes with month.
OPINION: That's why rappers target women instead of calendars. The word "hoe" rhymes with practically anything.
FACT: It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
OPINION: It takes two gallons of water to wash the rancid taste out of your mouth.
FACT: Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
OPINION: That's why he's considered a hero. Most people don't even realize that he used to play basketball.
FACT: The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
OPINION: A Super-Soaker water gun has enough pressure to pump human blood 550 feet. If I ever need open heart surgery, you know I'm getting one of those suckers installed.
FACT: Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
OPINION: So it's okay to have sex with a dolphin. They like it too.
FACT: Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
OPINION: I keep my champagne bottles sealed with poisonous spiders to be on the safe side.
FACT: Many hamsters blink one eye at a time.
OPINION: Many guys mistakenly think they are flirting with them.
FACT: The inventor of the flushing toilet was Thomas Crapper.
OPINION: He actually legally changed his name from Bill Crapper.
FACT: The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.
OPINION: But I'm so sexy that I sleep with 7 billion mites.
FACT: Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A
OPINION: This is why America is one of the world's superpowers.
FACT: Whitby, Ontario has more donut stores per capita than any other place in the world.
OPINION: It also has the lowest crime rate in the world.
FACT: Starfish have no brain.
OPINION: What they lack in smarts, they make up for with five cocks.
FACT: Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "E".
OPINION: I bet he used the word, "booty", more than once.
FACT: Bulls are colour blind.
OPINION: They also are not insurance brokers despite what Merril Lynch's logo says.
FACT: Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.
OPINION: If you get hit in the groin with an apple every morning it will also hurt a lot less than pouring a cup of coffee down your pants.
FACT: A can of SPAM is opened every 4 seconds.
OPINION: A can of Whoop Ass is opened ever 2 seconds.
FACT: "Babe" was played by over 48 pigs.
OPINION: That's more pigs than the cast of "Police Academy"
FACT: Dolphins sleep with one eye open.
OPINION: So if you want to hump one, sneak up on the side where the eye is closed.
FACT: Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.
OPINION: But, the tooth fairy doesn't have to give them money because they don't have pillows.
FACT: Lip stick contains fish scales.
OPINION: That's why cats wear lipstick.
FACT: Ants never sleep.
OPINION: The reason Ants don't sleep is because Uncles keep them awake with their snoring.
FACT: The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2200 people.
OPINION: KFC has enough herbs and spices to kill only 200 people.
FACT: A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
OPINION: Agroup of unicorns with paper bags on their heads is a blessing in disguise.
FACT: The first flushing toilet seen on TV was on Leave It To Beaver.
OPINION: Before that, TV stars had to piss in the living room.
FACT: Dr.Seuss pronounced "Seuss" so it rhymed with "rejoice".
OPINION: And he pronounced "Green Eggs and Ham" so it rhymed with "I carry my gat in case of suckas"
FACT: An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
OPINION: It's quicker to kill one by throwing a rock at it.
FACT: Emus can't walk backwards.
OPINION: Just because Michael Jackson can moonwalk doesn't rule out my theory that one of his parents is an emu.
FACT: Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down.
OPINION: They're too chicken.
FACT: A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
OPINION: I'm a goldfish and….wait a second…what was I going to say?
FACT: More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
OPINION: A lot of people don't realize that donkeys cannot fly.
FACT: Napolean made his battle plans in a sandbox.
OPINION: Napoleon's cat had most of his battles in Napoleon's sandbox.
FACT: The first word spoken on the moon was "Okay".
OPINION: The next nine words were, "put your pants on, we're gonna be on TV"
FACT: The first words spoken by over Alexander Bell over the telephone were: "Watson, please come here. I want you."
OPINION: And the telephone was used mostly for phone sex in its early days.
FACT: The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: "Mary had a little lamb"
OPINION: His second album was a hiphop freestyle.
FACT: A baby in Florida was named: Truewilllaughinglifebuckyboomermanifestdestiny.
OPINION: His nickname is Littleskippywiththelongassnamethatshardtospellsowecallhimthisoneinstead.
FACT: It is illegal to ride a street car on Sunday if have been eating garlic in Toronto, Ontario.
OPINION: Sunday is when most of Toronto's vampires ride the street car.
FACT: By some unknown means, an iguana can end its own life.
OPINION: They usually do this after listening to Iron Maiden.
FACT: The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.
OPINION: The second was Tom Hanks.
FACT: Napoleon was terrified of cats.
OPINION: After what happened to his sandbox, I don't blame him.
FACT: June is National Accordion Awareness Month 2001. National Accordion Awareness Month (NAAM) was established in 1989 to help spread the word about the resurgence in popularity in the accordion and to educate people about the accordion.
OPINION: It's kind of like Black History Month for white people.
FACT: The piano accordion is the official musical instrument of the city of San Francisco and has been since 1990. This year is the 11th anniversary!
OPINION: The unofficial musical instrument of San Francisco is the French meat whistle.
FACT: Actress Lucy Liu plays the accordion.
OPINION: For some reason I find this disturbingly sexy.
FACT: The accordion is a member of the reed family, not the keyboard family. The accordion's closest cousin is the harmonica.
OPINION: They must have some real irritating family reunions.
FACT: The first United States-made piano accordion (the ones with the keys on it) was manufactured in San Francisco back in 1907.
OPINION: It was originally designed as a tiny piano for midgets, until some jack-ass started squeezing it and playing it sideways (the accordion, not the midget).
FACT: When people think of an accordion, they usually envision that large, black monstrosity with piano keys on one side and about a thousand buttons on the other side. However, the accordion family also includes Cajun button boxes, chromatic and diatonic button accordions, the concertina, the bayan, and the bandoneon.
OPINION: When I think of an accordion, I envision a dancing monkey wearing a fez trying to molest my pant-leg
FACT: Cingular wireless is running a new ad with accordion music playing.
OPINION: Nothing sells wireless communication like the sound of a German farting through a tiny piano.
FACT: Last year, one of the longest-running commercials to feature the sound of an accordion is the Volkswagen Jetta commercial...you know, the one when the man pulls up to the light and the woman is beside him and when they drive off you see the little kids in the backseat. You hear a happy French musette song.
OPINION: That really narrows things down: there are hardly any car commercials with a family driving.
FACT: Unfortunately...and this is why there's still a reason for National Accordion Awareness Month...is a Mitsubishi radio commercial that began airing in May, 2000. In the commercial, the announcer mentions that Accordion Music is an oxymoron. Now, that's not very nice.
OPINION: Thank God there's National Accordion Awareness Month to clear things up. Shame on Mitsubishi for assuming accordion musicians are a bunch of pathetic pussies.
FACT: Toyota continues to use accordions in its truck commercials...zippy zydeco music.
OPINION: Jeezus. Does spreading accordion awareness consist of listing a bunch of fucking commercials with accordions in them?!
FACT: Clos Du Bois Winery is airing its popular radio commercial with the announcer "who is not from France." In the background is an accordion playing a French-sounding song on a musette-tuned accordion.
FACT: Even the Men's Wherehouse has gotten into the act with quirky background music on the accordion.
OPINION: Okay. That's it. I'm leaving.
FACT: A good sword swallower can take in more than 24 inches of steel blade, with the point of the sword extending to the bottom of his or her stomach.
OPINION: I bet your mother could too.
FACT: In the 2nd century B.C., the Roman senate officially abolished celebrations for Bacchus the god of wine.
OPINION: The got rid of it to make room to celebrate Alexander Keith’s Birthday instead. In case you didn’t already know, Alexander Keith is the god of hockey hair.
FACT: The average speed of traffic in New York City is less than 10 miles per hour.
OPINION: I’d rather ride the subway in New York City because it’s faster than taking a taxi, and the chances are greater that I’ll see some Ninja Turtles.
FACT: In 1912, a dairy cow got loose and ended up inside a department store in Norwich, New York. The cow made it up to the third floor before she was cornered in the ladies’ cloaks department.
OPINION: Is it just me, or does the world really not need another goddamn cow joke.
FACT: Wine can be made from cheese.
OPINION: I love a wine I can dip my nachos into.
FACT: If you fall head first out of an airplane without a parachute, you will fall to the ground at a speed of about 175 miles per hour. If you’re not falling headfirst, your speed will only reach about 120 miles per hour.
OPINION: If I fell out of an airplane without a parachute, I’d probably be too concerned with trying to learn how to use my arms to fly to worry about which position will make me fall faster.
FACT: Some vacuum cleaners designed during the 1950's were modeled after popular car models with tail fins.
OPINION: I modeled my vacuum cleaner after my favorite car. It is orange and has a great big Confederate flag on it.
FACT: If you don’t get rid of your daily newspapers, in one year the average paper pile will weigh more than 500 pounds.
OPINION: That’s a good excuse to get rid of the Guardian. That, and the fact that Sally Cole writes for them.
FACT: In 1785, parachutes were invented. Since nobody wanted to be the first parachutist, the first test was with a dog dropped from a balloon in France.
OPINION: I would have tested the first parachute on a bird in case it didn’t work, plus it’s easier to find a bird flying by when you’re up in a balloon than a dog.
FACT: In the 1960's, the Navy ran a secret program to teach dogs to swim underwater and attack enemy divers.
OPINION: The Navy’s money would have been better spent teaching the dogs how to bark in morse code, but nobody ever listens to my ideas anyway.
FACT: On December 3, 1976, a 40 foot long inflatable pig escaped from its tether and floated for miles over the English countryside. The pig was a prop used for a photo for a Pink Floyd album cover.
OPINION: In 1991, a giant pair of Hammer-pants floated by MC Hammer’s mansion in Oakland.
FACT: Some fish sunburn.
OPINION: So do some men, but that doesn’t make any of them eligible for Ms Hawaiian Tropic.
FACT: In ancient Greece, the word “telephone” meant shouting from one person to another over a distance.
OPINION: In ancient Greece, email meant yelling to fifty different people about some little girl dying of a disease so Bill Gates would donate $1 for each yell towards the little girl’s operation.
FACT: The Mayflower cut short its voyage and landed at Plymouth Rock instead of in Virginia because the ship ran out of beer.
OPINION: They should have made Casey’s Pub their first stop of the night.
FACT: In the 1500's in England, a monument was constructed to honor a grasshopper. The insect caused a lost baby to cry, pinpointing its location and leading to a rescue.
OPINION: I’ve injured all sorts of kids, but nobody’s made a statue for me yet.
FACT: Saturday afternoon between 3 and 5 is the most dangerous time to be bitten by another human being.
OPINION: If you’re bitten any time during Saturday afternoon, take it as a warning that the midgets don’t like it when you step on them.
FACT: The first TV commercial was a plug for Bulova watches that aired on July 1, 1941 and cost $9.
OPINION: The commercial actually went $2 over budget, but it was worth it when Bulova’s catch phrase, “Buy our fine watches” swept the nation faster than you can say, “Whassssup!”
FACT: The real Smokey the Bear was forced to retire in 1975 at the age of 25 because this was the equivalent of 70 human years, the mandatory retirement age for government employees.
OPINION: Ma$e retired when he was 25 too, because in hip hop, whack mc’s either retire when they’re 25 or get shot.
FACT: According to an old wive’s tale, if you have eyebrows that connect in the middle, you will be rich.
OPINION: If I was rich, I’d get a curse word shaved into my big eyebrow.
FACT: Shortly after the invention of the X-ray machine, con artists began selling “X-ray-proof” underwear.
OPINION: It takes a lot more than X-ray-proof underwear to keep people from staring at my package.
FACT: In 1966 pickle packers presented a giant 12 foot statue of a pickle nicknamed the “Picklecasso ” to the city of Chicago.
OPINION: A year later, a drunken Picasso presented his pickle to the city of Pictou while yelling, “Say hello to my little friend!”
FACT: In 1946, the first slinky was produced. Only 400 were made and sold out in 1 ½ hours at a department store in New York City.
OPINION: If people were that impressed with something stupid that can walk down stairs, they’d love my cousin, Rudy.
FACT: About 100 people die every year when their vehicles collide with animals.
OPINION: I once ran into a moose’s rear end. It wasn’t until then that I realized why that beer company is called Moosehead and not Big Ungly Ass of Moose.
FACT: In 1936, a car crashed in Connecticut when the driver discovered a mouse on the steering wheel.
OPINION: I drive with my cat in the car to avoid any problems with mice, but that doesn’t solve my snake problem.
FACT: The first bubble gum, called “Blibber Blubber,” was a failure because it stuck to the skin.
OPINION: It also failed because it was made out of seal fat.
FACT: During the National Convention of the Democratic Party in 1924, the chairman’s gavel came apart as he was using it to single for order. The head of the gavel struck a delegate on the head and knocked him unconscious.
OPINION: At the Republican Convention, they just fire a shotgun in the air three times for order.
FACT: A shop called Deja Vu in Troy, New York was robbed twice by the same man.
OPINION: A shop called Deja Vu in Troy, New York was robbed twice by the same man.
FACT: A burglar at a glue factory in Brazil in 1993 was caught after he got stuck to the floor.
OPINION: The same thing happened to that guy who tried to rob a porno theater.
FACT: In 1965, two men in Cleveland ended up firing handguns at each other during an argument over an unpaid bill. One of the bullets from one gun traveled directly inside the barrel of the other gun, and the bullets fused together.
OPINION: That’s just stupid. I would aimed for the other guy’s gonads before trying a tricky shot like that.
FACT: Contented cows give more milk.
OPINION: If I was a cow, the only way I would be content is if people stopped grabbing at my tits.
FACT: In a herd, some cows are more popular than others.
OPINION: Cows Ice Cream is popular because they found a way to sell people frozen cow sweat at the low low price of five bucks.
FACT: Some cows dunk their hay in water before eating it.
OPINION: Others just rub it in their own filth, like at Cows Ice Cream, home of the fifty dollar milk shake.
FACT: On a British golf course in 1995, a golf ball hit off a tree, struck a sheep in the rear end and stuck.
OPINION: If I was a sheep, I’d rather have a golf ball stuck in my arse than a member of the Royal Family.
FACT: In 1995, a woman in Austria was killed when a bolt of lightning struck the reinforcing wire in her bra.
OPINION: Just to be safe, I think women should stop wearing undergarments and overgarments.
FACT: 7.5 million toothpicks can be made from one cord of wood.
OPINION: If I got wooden teeth, would I need to use a tooth pick made out of real teeth?
FACT: Modern lumbering can cut and strip a tree in less than a minute.
OPINION: You’d be surprised how many squirrels lose their limbs thanks to modern lumbering.
FACT: At least one elephant has been trained to water-ski.
OPINION: Most elephants are too modest to wear wet suits.
FACT: An elephant can sneeze with enough force to knock a dog unconscious.
OPINION: When an elephant farts, nobody is safe.
FACT: Four-wheel-drive vehicles are gradually replacing camels for transportation in the desert.
OPINION: A vehicle may get you from point A to point B, but a camel is the only form of transportation you can cuddle.
FACT: In Egypt, camels have been taught to clean windows by licking them.
OPINION: I once tried to clean my windows by downing a bottle of windex and licking the glass, but my tongue got cut because I forgot to remove the screen.
FACT: The cost of funerals is increasing faster than the rate inflation
OPINION: Inflation? No wonder funerals are so expensive, with the high cost of balloons and all.
FACT: They now make biodegradable coffins.
OPINION: I don’t want no biodegradable coffin. When I die, I plan on doing as much damage to this planet as I can. It’s not my problem anymore.
FACT: Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the mercury thermometer.
OPINION: I bet he was the type of guy who, in the middle of a snow storm, would come up to you and say, “Cold enough for you?” Then you tell him “I don’t speak English. Fuck off.” Then he says, “Where are you from?” Then you say, “I just told you I can’t speak English. How the hell do you think I can tell you where I’m from, if I can’t understand your language? Fuck off.”
FACT: The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.
OPINION: And that’s just to get to the elevator.
FACT: The mongoose was barred live entry into the U.S. in 1902.
OPINION: It was caught smuggling gay pornography on the Canadian border.
FACT: Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in 1939.
OPINION: Hamster sucking started at Princeton in 1999.
FACT: Dry fish food can make goldfish constipated.
OPINION: Make sure your fish eats liquid foods like soup, ketchup, and shampoo.
FACT: The stall closest to the door in a bathroom is the cleanest, because it is the least used.
OPINION: The stall without a door probably isn’t used much either, but you won’t have much privacy.
FACT: Toilet paper was invented in 1857.
OPINION: The National Post is the only other paper designed for arseholes.
FACT: 54% of Americans prefer to "fold" their toilet paper rather than "wad" it.
OPINION: Is this after they read it?
FACT: Your urine will turn bright yellow if you eat too much asparagus.
OPINION: If farmers were smart, they’d change the name of asparagus to “glow-in-the-dark piss berries.” But farmers are not smart. That’s why they live on farms.
FACT: There are more people alive today than have ever died.
OPINION: If the dead ever tried to start a war with everyone that’s alive they’d be outnumbered, but they’d probably kick our asses because of the mysterious powers they obtained from beyond the grave. And they’d win because they have John Candy on their side, and nobody would try to hurt John Candy.
FACT: The first X-rated animated cartoon was Fritz the Cat.
OPINION: I thought it was alright, but He-Man cartoons turn me on.
FACT: The Library of Congress contains 327 miles of book shelves.
OPINION: insert joke about book shelves here..._________________________
FACT: There are 5 varieties of twins
OPINION: A lot of guys say they’d like to have sex with twins, but I don’t understand the attraction to baseball players from Minnesota.
FACT: Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
OPINION: Will Smith signed it last year.
FACT: The term, "the whole nine yards," came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole nine yards."
OPINION: I always thought “the whole nine yards” was a reference to Rosie O’Donnel’s weight problem. Isn’t that what that Matthew Perry movie, “The Whole Nine Yards” is about?
FACT: The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
OPINION: Those are the busiest days for prostitutes and drug dealers.
FACT: Reno, Nevada, is west of Los Angeles, California. (Think about it!)
OPINION: I’m trying to think about it, but I really don’t care.
FACT: The first zoo in the USA was in Philadelphia.
OPINION: In West Philadelphia, born and raised. In the zoo was where I spent most of my days. Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, or coolin’, or shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school. When a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said, “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bell Air.”
FACT: The letter N ends all Japanese words not ending in a vowel.
OPINION: Pokemon wouldn’t be very popular if it was known as Poke Mo.
FACT: France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese.
OPINION: Montreal’s “Just for Laughs” festival has the second highest consumption of cheese by French people.
FACT: The hardest bone in the human body is the jawbone.
OPINION: That’s good to know if don’t have a hammer and you need to use a part of your face to nail a poster on a wall.
FACT: 4000 people are injured by teapots each year.
OPINION: Teapots don’t kill people. Stupid fuckers that don’t know how make tea kill people.
FACT: The typical American consumes 27 pounds of cheese each year.
OPINION: But nobody knows where it all comes from.
FACT: The shortest English word that contains the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F is feedback.
OPINION: I once asked a professor for feedback on an assignment and she made me listen to a Sonic Youth CD. I don’t know what that means. I probably shouldn’t comment on how shitty my opinions are. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? Sweet fuck! This is almost as bad as the time I wrote out the lyrics for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
FACT: The ostrich has a 46 foot long small intestine.
OPINION: Wow. If that’s its small intestine, it must have a huge large intestine.
FACT: The large intestine is pretty damn big.
OPINION: Oh Jesus. How big are its eggs?
FACT: I don’t know. I didn’t notice any eggs when I ran over it with my car.
OPINION: Poor guy. Why’d the ostrich cross the road?
FACT: Stop it. You’re not supposed to talk to me. Just keep writing, and please try not to quote The Fresh Prince of Bel Air anymore. That was really stupid.
OPINION: That’s just your opinion. I bet there are some losers reading this right now that thought it was clever.
FACT: The only reason you wrote it is because you’re running out of material. When you can’t think of something funny to say, you curse, tell dirty jokes, and have conversations with yourself in the middle of the column.
OPINION: Eat a bowl of dicks.
FACT: The state of California raises the most turkeys out of all of the states.
OPINION: Most of the turkeys are shipped in from Philadelphia and raised in Bel Air by their wealthy uncles.
FACT: The most sensitive finger on the human hand is the index finger.
OPINION: The least sensitive finger is the pinky. You have to be tough with a nickname like that.
FACT: George Washington Carver invented peanut butter.
OPINION: He invented several other types of butter that didn’t catch on.
FACT: The typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year.
OPINION: Organized Rhyme lay more chicks than Mother Goose.
FACT: Stainless steel was invented by Harry Brearley in 1913.
OPINION: Harry Brearley revolutionized kitchen utensils much like the Fresh Prince revolutionized homeboys moving to Bel Air.
FACT: A scallop has 35 blue eyes.
OPINION: I only have three.
FACT: The left leg of a chicken is more tender than the right one.
OPINION: So be extra gentle when you try to put pants on your chicken.
FACT: The only dog that doesn't have a pink tongue is the chow.
OPINION: I don’t care what color my dog’s tongue is, as long as it is not in my mouth.
FACT: The giraffe has the highest blood pressure of any animal.
OPINION: If you couldn’t have oral sex unless you climbed a tree, you’d have high blood pressure too.
FACT: The dumbest domesticated animal is the turkey.
OPINION: I once saw a turkey use all three of its life lines for a $1000 question on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.”
FACT: Russia has the most movie theaters in the world.
OPINION: All of them show Rocky IV 24 hours a day.
FACT: Albert Blake Dick invented the mimeograph machine.
OPINION: It measures how annoying mimes are.
FACT: The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday.
OPINION: The funniest ones occur Sunday night.
FACT: An Oscar weighs seven pounds.
OPINION: It’s great that every year Hollywood’s best and brightest get together and honor mediocre films by giving them a seven pound naked man.
FACT: It takes the typical person seven minutes to fall asleep.
OPINION: A typical Cadre reader falls asleep before getting to this part of the paper.
FACT: The are 255 squares on a Scrabble board.
OPINION: You need at least two squares to play Scrabble.
FACT: The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928.
OPINION: Before the electric shaver was invented, guys had to use blenders to get rid of their whiskers.
FACT: There are 500 sheets of paper in a ream.
OPINION: If I was any good at oragami, I could probably make a huge crane with that much paper.
FACT: The monkey wrench was invented by Charles Moncke.
OPINION: It was originally used to castrate chimps.
FACT: Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs.
OPINION: Amputated frogs can’t jump very high, but they make good hockey pucks.
FACT: There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown.
OPINION: There is no real point of the Statue of Liberty wearing a crown. But like a Spice Girls doll, it came with its own accessories.
FACT: There are approximately 550 hairs in the eyebrow.
OPINION: Eyebrow hair keeps your forehead warm when you get locked in a freezer.
FACT: The most common non-contagious disease in the world is tooth decay.
OPINION: I guess that zoo keeper was right. You can’t get tooth decay from kissing a coyote.
FACT: The shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight.
OPINION: The rest of the egg’s weight is the Kinder surprise inside.
FACT: A squid has 10 tentacles.
OPINION: I once went to school with a guy called Squid. He ate raw fish and lived underwater.
FACT: A snail's reproductive organs are in its head.
OPINION: This gives new meaning to the word dickhead.
FACT: A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose.
OPINION: Chocolate milk is made out of cow sweat.
FACT: The word AND appears 46 277 times in the Bible.
OPINION: The only reason people should read the Bible is to count how many times certain words appear. Other than that it’s useful to hold windows open, or to throw at little kids.
FACT: The first word played in the Scrabble rules demonstration game is "Horn."
OPINION: Scrabble sucks. Any game where you can’t tackle your opponent is for losers.
FACT: The telephone's patent number is 174 465.
OPINION: Alexander Grahm Bell invented the phone so people wouldn’t have to look at each other during sex.
FACT: The typical person goes to the bathroom 6 times a day.
OPINION: Cool people don’t go to the bathroom.
FACT: There are 17 steps leading up to Sherlock Holme's apartment.
OPINION: That is the same distance Holme’s restraining order says he has to stay away from elementary schools.
FACT: Anthony Robbin's infomercial airs every half hour, 24 hours a day somewhere in the USA.
OPINION: The Dukes of Hazzard airs every half hour on TNN.
FACT: When a horned toad is angry, it squirts blood from it's eyes.
OPINION: I do the same thing when I get aroused.
FACT: The first Lifesaver flavor was peppermint.
OPINION: The second was asparagus.
FACT: The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.
OPINION: Eggs are high in Vitamin A, protein, and bits of baby chickens.
FACT: The ballpoint pen was invented in 1938 by Laszlo and Georg Biro.
OPINION: Before the ballpoint pen, people used to chew on their scribblers when they got bored in class.
FACT: The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.
OPINION: It just looks that way because you’re so used to people showing it to you, asshole.
FACT: The parking meter was invented by C.C. Magee in 1935.
OPINION: How do they determine the value of parking for an hour? What the heck are you paying for? If parking meters gave gumballs after you put a quarter in them, it would make sense. Until then, I’m going to have to eat the gum off the sidewalk to get my money’s worth.
FACT: In 1961, an IBM 7090 computer calculated Pi to 100 265 digits.
OPINION: I don’t about calculating Pi, but my computer is pretty good at finding pictures of doctors performing illegal surgeries.
FACT: The human body weighs forty times more than the brain.
OPINION: Fat people have huge brains.
FACT: After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp.
OPINION: Eating at an Iron Maiden show will make you completely deaf.
FACT: A person swallows approximately 295 times while eating dinner.
OPINION: If my mom’s cooking, a person throws up more than they swallow.
FACT: The oldest known vegetable is the pea.
OPINION: Young vegetables collect Pokemon trading cards.
FACT: Jack is the most common name in nursery rhymes.
OPINION: It’s also a common name in pornographic films.
FACT: The avocado has the most calories of any fruit.
OPINION: It has so many calories that one bite could make your head explode.
FACT: People didn't always say "hello" when they answered the phone. When the first regular phone service was established in 1878, people said "Ahoy."
OPINION: Answering machines are becoming so popular now a days that soon we won’t even have to call each other. Just get the answering machine to do it. While our robots gab on the phone, we can use this extra time to practice shooting “intruders” with guns that shoot spoons instead of bullets.
FACT: The longest word in the English language is "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", which is a lung disease caused by breathing in volcanic particles.
OPINION: I’m not sure what’s worse: breathing in volcanic particles, or sneezing hot coffee out your nose.
FACT: A kangaroo can jump up to thirty feet.
OPINION: If a kangaroo had wings it wouldn’t bump its ass every time it jumps.
FACT: If you stretched out your intestines, they'd be about twenty-five feet long.
OPINION: It is important to stretch your intestines before exercising.
FACT: The fourth funnel on the Titanic was built for show. It was thought that the more funnels a ship had, the faster it would go.
OPINION: I attached a bunch of funnels to my car, but it still won’t help me catch that damn Roadrunner.
FACT: The dye in red Jell-O is proven to make people energetic. So why do they serve that color most in school cafeterias?
OPINION: Because the white dye in the milk they serve at cafeterias makes children sleepy.
FACT: The longest mustache in the world is over 8 feet long.
OPINION: A moustache that big sounds pretty cool, but when you actually see it on your grandmother...yikes.
FACT: It takes 15 hours and 55 minutes to fly from Chicago to Hong Kong on a standard aircraft.
OPINION: It only takes 15 minutes on an aircraft with a bunch of funnels.
FACT: Between 1902 and 1907 the same tiger killed 436 people in India.
OPINION: Winnie the Pooh started Tigger’s murder spree when he hired him to kill Christopher Robin.
FACT: The largest working gun is 141 feet long and 1,481.5 tons. It has a crew of 1,500.
OPINION: It’s pretty effective in armed robberies, but it sucks to reload.
FACT: The youngest college graduate was 10 years and 4 months old. He entered college and the age of 6 and graduated with a BA in anthropology.
OPINION: The only reason I didn’t graduate when I was 10 is because I spent most of my time trying to save the princess in Super Mario Brothers.
FACT: The youngest person with a doctorate is 12 years old.
OPINION: Most people with doctorates have bed wetting problems.
FACT: The largest mass tomb holds 189,000 soldiers.
OPINION: Anybody who could pack 189,000 soldiers in a tomb could probably do a bang up job packing a suitcase.
FACT: The longest name is: Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams. The girl was born in Texas and the name is supposed to have a mixture of her mother's best moments.
OPINION: If I tried putting my best moments in the name of my child, I would end up naming the kid “Naked Treeclimbing.”
FACT: The poorest country is Mozambique (70 US dollars per capita)
OPINION: Mozambique needs mo’ money and less crack whores.
FACT: The longest union name is: The internationally association of marble, slate and stone polishers, rubbers and sawyers, tile and marble setters' helpers and marble, mosaic and terrazzo workers of Washington D.C. (or IAMSSPRSTMSHMMTWH for short)
OPINION: Their bumper sticker fits on two cars.
FACT: The #1 cause of death in fruit flies is constipation.
OPINION: The #1 cause of death for killer bees is playfights.
FACT: For every 2 cups of water you drink it takes 4 cups to wash.
OPINION: For every 2 cups of dishwashing liquid you drink it takes 4 years off your life.
FACT: The Bible is the most shoplifted/stolen book in America.
OPINION: Jeff Foxworthy’s book is the least shoplifted/read book in America.
FACT: The average lifespan for a person in Sierra, Africa is 41 years.
OPINION: The average age of MAPUS students in Sierra is 12.
FACT: One of the most feared snakes is a Mamba. Even those who own king cobras, pit vipers, and anacondas won't go near these things.
OPINION: Mamba #5 is even scarier.
FACT: There are only 48 natural skin tones.
OPINION: It’s silly to judge someone by their skin tone because underneath we’re all just goo and slime.
FACT: Eskimos use refrigerators to defrost food.
OPINION: They use their ovens to bake Eskimo Pies.
FACT: A man in Wisconsin has the name Xerxes (zer-seas). His son’s name is Zzyzzx (ziz-icks).
OPINION: What ever happened to traditional names like Jim, Bill, or Zoltan the Great?
FACT: There are more cows in Vermont than people.
OPINION: I like those odds.
FACT: Did you know that birds are hotter than humans? A human being's normal temperature is 37 degrees C. A A duck has a temperature of 42.8 degrees C, a heron, 41 degrees C, sparrows 41.6 degrees C, and thrushes go up to 45 degrees C!
OPINION: I once saw a humming bird get so hot that it burst into flames.
FACT: A hawk can spot an insect as small as a cricket from 30 metres in the air.
OPINION: Yet they always manage to shit directly over my car.
FACT: A hawk's eyesight is 1,000 times sharper than a human's.
OPINION: It doesn’t matter how good they can see, if the human is hunting with a gun that requires a crew of 1500 people.
FACT: Unlike humans, hawks can't move their eyeballs.
OPINION: They can’t wear contact lenses either.
FACT: Birds have a third eyelid between the upper and lower lid. This eyelid is transparent and moves from side to side instead of up and down, like a sliding cupboard door. It protects the eye from dust and harmful rays from the sun. (An eagle can look directly at the sun.)
OPINION: I once had a pair of sunglasses that were strong enough to allow me to look directly at the sun. I must of stared at that thing for hours before I realized I wasn’t wearing the sunglasses. Now I have a chimpanzee that helps me use the bathroom and type this column.
FACT: One of the favourite foods of the great horned owl is the skunk.
OPINION: If you’ve ever eaten at Harvey’s, you know why great horned owls love their Ultra Burgers.